weekend round-up

[cellio]

In this issue: visit with Seth and Karen; Ralph's and Lori's party; Shabbat roundup.

But first...
Thursday night Dani and I went to see a "financial coach" (someone I know through a coworker connection). This was a second meeting. He says he's not a "planner" or a "broker"; he just helps you get information and points you in directions you might not have thought of. At the first meeting I asked "so how exactly do you make money?" (we pay no fees) and he was kind of vague; I gather that some of it comes from commissions through referrals and stuff. For example, if we didn't already have a broker he'd help us get one; when we do wills he'll get us a lawyer; and so on. It feels a little strange, but so far it hasn't cost us anything and the information coming out is good, so ok.

The downside this time was that a meeting that I thought would take about an hour and a half ended up taking three (!) hours, which complicated my Shabbat pre-cook. Note to self: no more Thursday meetings with this guy; he's long-winded.

Fortunately, I had made the kugel and lentils earlier in the week, which just left the meat. I had planned to be fancier with the roast for Saturday, but ended up just rubbing it with garlic and pepper. (I cooked it in the crock pot with the lentils -- so cook for the meat and reheat for the lentils. Crock pots on timers are handy. Too bad I overcooked the roast a bit; I checked at one point and it was very rare, and then less than an hour later it was throughly medium on the way to well done and a bit tough. Oops.) I ended up making Friday's chicken on Friday after work instead of Thursday night, which worked out ok. I finished a few minutes after Seth and Karen arrived.

Spending the weekend with Seth and Karen was great fun. They got delayed on the way in (long traffic snarl -- probably an accident), but still made it about 10 minutes before candle-lighting time. This was just enough time to show them where they'd be sleeping, let them adjust lights if they wanted, and so on. (Oops, forgot to turn the electric blanket on for them.)

Lori had planned to come with us to services, and then it was going to be Ralph and Lori, and then getting their house clean for the party took longer than they thought so it ended up being neither of them. They did join us for dinner afterwards, though, which made me happy. Lori can satisfy her curiosity about services any time, but opportunities for the two of them to visit with Seth and Karen are infrequent. They did get a bit of an education about Shabbat by coming to dinner (we translated kiddush for them and stuff like that), which I think was fine with them.

I had been trying to figure out which shul to take Seth and Karen to. They belong to a Conservative shul back home, and we've got a few of those, but in the end Karen said "take us where you'd normally go" so I did. Somehow I had it in my head that they'd been to Reform services a few times before, but this turned out to be wrong. Oops. So there were some things I could have given them a heads-up about if I'd known or thought it through, but it worked out ok. It also turned out to be not a typical service for our congregation, though I didn't know that in advance. More of the music was new (and sometimes less accessible) than the norm. Rabbi Gibson bentched gomel because he just returned from Israel, and he talked a lot about things he experienced in Jerusalem (including a near miss at the cafe' that got blown up), which all added a somber tone to the evening.

Interesting comment from Rabbi Freedman, who continues to surprise me (in a good way): ok, fine, we say of the sacrifice system "we don't do that any more", but what do we do? Reform isn't about choosing whether to keep Shabbat, for example, but about choosing how. (And similarly for mitzvot in general.) I've been saying that for a few years, but I thought I was a mutant or something.

Several of the regulars who I would have liked to introduce Seth and Karen to weren't there on Friday; oh well. We hung out at the oneg for a while, and I did get to introduce them to Rabbi Gibson, at least. Then we walked home and had dinner.

We decided to go to Temple Sinai's informal service in the morning. I was worried that this might weird them out, but it seemed like it would probably be ok. What finally pushed me in this direction was the realization that if the situation were reversed, I would want them to take me to their synagogue -- or otherwise show me something unfamiliar -- rather than having them try to find a Reform shul that would be "like back home". I'd rather experience something new; it's only one week, after all. So on that basis we went to my favorite Shabbat service. They seemed to enjoy it, and I was relieved that the "goofy question" was something light rather than something profound. (Every week we go around the circle and say our names, and at the same time answer some question that Rabbi Gibson poses. That question has run the gamut from "what's your favorite flavor of ice cream?" to "where, other than the synagogue, do you connect with God?".) Torah study was interesting, and actually coincided with the parsha. :-)

Karen and I spent the afternoon talking about all sorts of things. Seth took a nap and Dani had wandered off somewhere. I had meant to go take a nap (we hadn't gotten much sleep the night before), but the conversation was interesting and I never pulled myself away from it. Then it was time for havdalah and the party.

Ralph and Lori's party was lots of fun. I got to see some Claritech folks who I hadn't seen in a while (Deirdre, Larry, Dennis, Laura, Carl), and spent some time chatting with Gregleg (NetBill coworker and all-around cool person). I played one game of Karabunde, at which I suck royally, but it was fun anyway. I heard people playing music in the family room but never quite made it in there.

We hosted Sunday dinner this week. It was small (us, Ralph and Lori, Deanna and Eli) but went well for the most part. We had lasagna and played Settlers of Katan afterward.

Comments

wonderful

[ex-desertsta11.livejournal.com]

This sounded like a wonderful weekend!!

[goljerp]

I had been trying to figure out which shul to take Seth and Karen to.

Interesting question.

I have several different urges with respect to this.

On the one hand, I would rather not go to a shul which is uncomfortable for me. This weighs heavily against many orthodox shuls for me, as well as some Reform ones.

On the other hand, for one shabbat I'm much more willing to put up with things which I wouldn't be comfortable with on a regular basis. I've been to Reconstructionist shuls. I've been to the Havurah in Boston which was at the start of the havurah movement. I've gone to the Carlebach shul in NY, and the Lieder Minyan (sp?) and Yakar in Jerusalem.

On the other hand, a lot depends upon who I'm with. If I'm with a friend, it makes a big difference.

And finally there's the accessability issue, because I don't drive on Shabbat[1].

(And, of course, many of the same questions arise if someone were to visit me... if they'd never been, I might go with them to BJ even though I haven't gone there on my own in a while. But I probably wouldn't go with to some of the ortho shuls in my neighborhood...)

[1] And being driven is almost as bad. Although this is subject to change without prior notice, it will be due to internal processes and not external pressure.

[cellio]

I tend to be willing to explore, too. I've been to a Carlebach minyan, and a couple different Orthodox ones, and the local Reconstructionist, and assorted Conservative and Reform. When I took a field trip to Passaic a few years ago, my host took me to three different shuls over one Shabbat, and that was fascinating. I enjoy this sort of thing if it's not every week.

Knowing how to map that to guests is harder, though. I know what I like, but it's harder to judge for others.

BTW, there are a couple dozen shuls within reasonable walking distance of my house. That's part of why I picked it. So driving doesn't enter into it. :-)

so very interesting!

[ex-desertsta11.livejournal.com]

I found all this so very interesting...the deciding on which place of worship to go to w/ a guest. I never realized that it would present a problem for some people--how naive I am--I've learnt so much from Goljerp on the differences between conservatives, reformed, orthodox, etc...but it never dawned on me that someone from one of the groups would maybe not feel comfortable going to another group. (for one day)
Then I was trying to put it into terms that I would be familiar with...if a friend came to visit and I was getting ready to go to church...hmmm...I guess I'm sooo dense that I would just assume they wanted to go with me. Of course in my case I can't 'choose' which church to go to, since my husband pastors the particular church we go to! ha ha! I know when I have visited other friends who come from different christian backgrounds, I have gone to whatever church they attend. Although I wasn't 'used to' their style of worship--I think I enjoyed seeing something different and learning from the way they worship.
This has really given me some wonderful food for thought. And maybe it will help me to be a little more considerate when someone visits.

Re: so very interesting!

[cellio]

The theology varies among the Jewish movements, and theology informs practice. I would imagine that this is as true in Christian denominations. For example, suppose you're a Unitarian Universalist, who I understand to be strongly anti-trinity. A high-church Episcopalian mass might make you uncomfortable, where a Protestant mass would be different but not uncomfortable. Conversely, if you're Greek Orthodox, a western Protestant church might make you uncomfortable because they try to explain and rationalize things that are supposed to be mysteries. If you're Roman Catholic, a service with a woman officiating might bother you, especially if by attending that you are failing to fulfill your obligation for weekly mass (because it wouldn't "count".) I hope I'm not too far off in my understanding of Christian denominations I've never really participated in. These are just meant to be examples; if these particular issues aren't the real ones, I'm sure we can find others that are. :-)

Offsetting all of this is natural curiosity, which different people have to different extents. Some people might really want to go with you to something that will be novel to them, and would rather that you not take them to their own denomination (perhaps at your own discomfort). Others might want to find something familiar. So you have to know your guests well enough to make this call.

excellent!

[ex-desertsta11.livejournal.com]

That was excellently put!! I hadn't given much thought to all those differences, but they are exactly correct.

Re: so very interesting!

[goljerp]

I agree with desertstar: very good response. I wanted to say something like this after reading desertstar's comment, and you did it better than I could've! Thanks!

[goljerp]

Knowing how to map that to guests is harder, though.

Indeed. It's been a while since I've had a guest for shabbat who wanted to go to shul and there was more than one choice. I think that I would give a quick run-down of the shuls nearby, and then either go with or go my own way, depending upon how I felt. Probably if it was someone I hadn't seen in a long time, I'd go with...

BTW, there are a couple dozen shuls within reasonable walking distance of my house. That's part of why I picked it. So driving doesn't enter into it.

Cool. What do you define as "reasonable walking distance"? (I used to say about a mile and a quarter or so, but I've gotten spoiled living 5 blocks from shul for the past couple of years...) I must admit that I didn't think that there was any place with that density of shuls outside New York or Jerusalem. (San Francisco/Bay area, for example, probably has 12 or so shuls... but they're dispersed. Same goes for Boston, I think.)

shul density

[cellio]

Cool. What do you define as "reasonable walking distance"?

Fuzzily, out to around a mile and a half, modified by terrain. (My neighborhood is called Squirrel Hill for a reason. :-) )

It's possible that "a couple dozen" is an exaggeration (not intended); I'll scan the list in today's Chronicle if I get a chance. (I also should have said "congregations", not "shuls"; one of them, for example, meets in a school.) Off the top of my head, however, I can think of the following that qualify: 3 Conservative, 1 Reform, 1 Reconstructionist, 1 Lubavich, 2 large Orthodox, 4 small Orthodox, 1 based in an assisted-living facility. I know there are more small Orthodox groups (it's not something I track), and there is also the university-based Hillel if you want to count that and are willing to be a bit generous in assessing "walking distance". So definitely over a dozen, and I think a dozen and a half is probably about right on reflection.

I'm reminded of an incident many years ago while standing at a bus stop. A car pulled up, the driver rolled down the window, and he asked "how do I get to the synagogue?". Four people said, simultaneously, "which one?". It was pretty funny; the guy clearly didn't understand this neighborhood. :-) (Yeah, I lived in Squirrel Hill as a renter, moved out to buy a house, and moved back to be close to my synagogue. Back when I was a renter I lived about 100 feet from the Lubavich place, and never investigated...)

Re: shul density

[cellio]

By the way, I should explain that this makes a lot more sense if you understand how Pittsburgh grew up. It was settled by successive waves of immigrants (many brought in as workers by Andrew Carnegie); each wave settled in its own tiny neighborhood and gradually the neighborhoods grew together. The geographic distribution wasn't as pronounced among Jews (Jews tend to go where other Jews already are), but each group tended to found its own congregation rather than joining an existing one, to preserve their own minhagim. It makes sense; having your work life and general living arrangments massively disrupted by a move across the ocean is bad enough but not under your control, but you can at least preserve what is familiar to you religiously.

Over time some of these congregations have disappeared, most have moved, and many have merged. But there are still quite a few small congregations tucked away here and there. Most of them don't even advertise, near as I can tell, beyond a directory listing. I wonder how many there will be in another 30 or 40 years.

Re: shul density

[goljerp]

Yesterday I wrote a response to this, including a funny israeli direction story (all Jerusalem instructions start "Yashar, yashar" (straight ahead, or literally straight, straight), even though none of the roads actually go in straight lines.)

But then I lost my dialup connection.

And then my computer crashed. And I had to go to sleep.

Sigh.

Re: shul density

[cellio]

Bummer.

I checked the list in the Chronicle, and I got most of them from memory before. I missed another one in an apartment complex. If you move your reference point to the "center of shul gravity" rather than my house, you can pick up two more shuls and one other occasional congregation (they meet every other week for Shabbat, I think) within that mile-and-a-half radius.

At a rough guess, Squirrel Hill now has about two thirds of the synagogues in metro Pittsburgh. This was different 100 years ago.

Re: shul density

[goljerp]

Cool. Now, if we were talking about Conservative shul/minyan density, I think it would be hard to beat the Upper West Side of NYC. Within a mile and a quarter of 100th st & Broadway, you have:

• The Jewish Theological Seminary of America (JTS) - Two Conservative Minyans (the Egalatarian one meets on a weekly basis throughout the year, and for morning minyan when JTS is in session; the non-egalatarian one has been tapering off, but still meets on Shabbat (I think; I've neverbeen).
  
• Ansche Chesed (AC)- contains four minayim (all Conservative Egalatarian)
  
• Shaare Tzedek - Conservative Egalatarian
  
• BJ - I believe they're Conservative (at least they use the Conservative Siddur at their services); definitely Egalatarian; has two services on Friday night most weeks, also has about 20 havurot/havdalah groups/etc associated with it.
  
• SAJ - Associated with both the Reconstructionist and Conservative Movements (during the great upper west side Rabbi shuffle of '01, their Rabbi took a job at JTS (and now she davens at AC on occasion), while the rabbi of AC moved to SAJ. The new rabbi at AC was previously an assistant dean at JTS.)
  
• Minyan Hadar - I'm fairly sure that they're Conservative Egalatarian, but I haven't gone to them yet. They're currently without a permenant home.
  

I haven't even considered anything on the east side of the park, and there are a lot of informal havurot, some of which probably identify themselves as Conservative...