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gift protocol
I have these pseudo-relatives (godparents, actually) in California. We've been exchanging fairly generic gifts in December for as long as I can remember. They're fairly generic, because we don't really know each other. (I try to put some thought into it, of course, and I assume they do too, but everyone's operating on old data.) They were college friends of my parents, and there was regular contact when we lived in California, but we moved to the Pittsburgh area when I was three, so I don't remember much of this. I've seen them once since then, when I was 14.
For years I've wanted to find a polite way to stop mailing gifts to each other, because it seems kind of pointless when we don't really know each other. But I've never been able to figure out how, so inertia has carried me forward. (It's easier to keep sending gifts than to broach the subject.) I have no way of knowing whether their feelings are similar. I tried asking my mother for help several years ago, figuring that she knows them better than I do, and her advice was to just leave it alone.
So this year, for either the second or third year in a row (can't remember about 2000 now), I didn't receive anything from them. They have been slow to pick up on changes of address in the past, but I know they have my correct address because they've sent thank-you notes for the gifts I sent them. They also sent us a wedding gift two and a half years ago, which might be the last thing I received from them. (Yes, I sent a thank-you note promptly.)
But now it gets weird: I received a thank-you note yesterday for this year's gift, and in addition to the standard content they said that if I'm ever in California please come visit, and here's a phone number, and they have plenty of space in their house now that they're empty-nesters. What the heck? Does this mean they want a closer relationship with me? How do I balance that against the lack of a gift?
So have they stopped sending gifts, or have they been sending them into a postal black hole and they think I'm rude for not sending thank-you notes? Do I respond to their letter without saying anything about gifts? Do I respond and say I didn't receive anything? Do I not respond? Other than this invitiation, which is unlikely to apply because I don't have any reason to go to California, the letter would not demand a response.
I'm not going to call them. I hate phones unless I already have a relationship with the person on the other end. That conversation would be awkward.
And I find that I'm not really inclined to try to develop a relationship with these people. They seem like perfectly nice people; I have nothing against them. But to develop, let alone maintain, a friendship, you need either common interests or easy and frequent contact, and we don't seem to have either here. So shrug. I think even my parents have dropped down to the exchange-letters-in-December level, so if they're not staying in closer contact, what would it mean for me to try?
I don't think Miss Manners covers this one.
For years I've wanted to find a polite way to stop mailing gifts to each other, because it seems kind of pointless when we don't really know each other. But I've never been able to figure out how, so inertia has carried me forward. (It's easier to keep sending gifts than to broach the subject.) I have no way of knowing whether their feelings are similar. I tried asking my mother for help several years ago, figuring that she knows them better than I do, and her advice was to just leave it alone.
So this year, for either the second or third year in a row (can't remember about 2000 now), I didn't receive anything from them. They have been slow to pick up on changes of address in the past, but I know they have my correct address because they've sent thank-you notes for the gifts I sent them. They also sent us a wedding gift two and a half years ago, which might be the last thing I received from them. (Yes, I sent a thank-you note promptly.)
But now it gets weird: I received a thank-you note yesterday for this year's gift, and in addition to the standard content they said that if I'm ever in California please come visit, and here's a phone number, and they have plenty of space in their house now that they're empty-nesters. What the heck? Does this mean they want a closer relationship with me? How do I balance that against the lack of a gift?
So have they stopped sending gifts, or have they been sending them into a postal black hole and they think I'm rude for not sending thank-you notes? Do I respond to their letter without saying anything about gifts? Do I respond and say I didn't receive anything? Do I not respond? Other than this invitiation, which is unlikely to apply because I don't have any reason to go to California, the letter would not demand a response.
I'm not going to call them. I hate phones unless I already have a relationship with the person on the other end. That conversation would be awkward.
And I find that I'm not really inclined to try to develop a relationship with these people. They seem like perfectly nice people; I have nothing against them. But to develop, let alone maintain, a friendship, you need either common interests or easy and frequent contact, and we don't seem to have either here. So shrug. I think even my parents have dropped down to the exchange-letters-in-December level, so if they're not staying in closer contact, what would it mean for me to try?
I don't think Miss Manners covers this one.
no subject
The lack of gifts since your wedding implies they are also ready to stop exchanging stuff. You could even interpret the letter saying 'feel free to visit us' as an expression that this is the final 'gift' - an open house if you're in the area.
It may not be Miss Manners correct, but you might consider writing them back a nice note saying you appreciate their offer of hospitality and their interest in you as you were growing up. Then don't send any more gifts. If they want further contact, they'll write you again. If not, you've gone out politely. :)
no subject
Good luck!
Debbie
no subject
no subject
I would say, stop sending gifts, include them with any holiday mailing that you do and let it go at that. If you don't send out cards or anything, then don't send anything.
For some reason, i'm sure that Miss Manners would have something to say on this, but I can't find it anywhere. I will actually check my Emily Post over the weekend.
no subject
The funny thing is that they never really did fulfill the role of "godparents". We moved away when I was 3, and we had only the annual gift-and-thank-you-note exchange as contact after that. They were, functionally, just additional distant relatives. (My parents taught me to call them "aunt" and "uncle", even theough they weren't.)
I had one other non-relative "aunt" growing up, but we actually had a relationship with each other so that was very different from the godparents. (She was my favorite aunt....)