demands vs requests

[cellio]

I've been noticing more cases lately of what I consider rude demands for entitlements, and I really wonder what makes these people tick.

This morning's paper contained a column by a mother bemoaning the "fact" that society is child- and family-hostile. She complained that the post office and grocery store don't have drive-through services (because dealing with car-seat hassles when all you want is a quart of milk is a pain), that restaurants don't have child-sized urinals and low sinks, and much more. In a lot of ways it reminded me of a couple local SCA folks who claim that the group is family-hostile because we hold business meetings at 8pm on school nights and don't provide a full complement of toys and games. But it's not just parents doing this; I've encountered the same attitude from some people who are handicapped or disadvantaged in various ways.

Note: I'm not saying that all or even most members of any particular group behave this way. Just some.

This makes me wonder, though. Do these people honestly believe that the people around them will respond favorably to whining and (sometimes) bullying? The author of that article could have done something positive -- by, say, telling us about how she worked with her local grocery store to arrange for a delivery service, or how she helped a local restaurant improve its restrooms, or the like. The parents complaining about the SCA business meetings could bring some toys and games instead of complaining that non-parents don't. The congregant with limited hearing could work with the ushers to arrange for reserved seats near the front of the room. These are all things that not only address the direct problem but also help others and send a positive message. They say "I would like help with this problem and I'm willing to do some work myself". They involve honey, not vinegar.

Why don't more people try this? Why do so many jump immediately to the conclusion that society is out to get them and they have to fight back? This hostility can't be benefitting the people who exude it, so why does it not seem to occur to people to try the friendly solution first? Why assume that people are against you, rather than that they never thought about your special needs because they don't share them and no one ever asked?

And, y'know, sometimes you just have to take some defensive or precautionary measures anyway. I have a vision problem. I am almost never without a pocket magnifying glass, which I use several times per week. When I go to a fast-food restaurant with the menu posted behind the serving area (fortunately, this rarely happens any more), I know going in that I'm not going to be able to read the menu, so either I ask a companion to help me out or I try "generic ordering" ("do you have a fish sandwich?" etc). When taking trips I try to arrange to not be the driver, especially at night, even if this inconveniences me in other ways (e.g. leaving earlier than I would have). When these coping mechanisms aren't enough I'm not afraid to ask for help, but I don't conclude that society is hostile to those without perfect vision.

(Well, that sounded kind of holier-than-thou, didn't it? It wasn't meant to.)

I know lots of people who take positive approaches to their limitations -- whether "personal", like I do, or more "active", like those who strive to educate the public about special needs. (Locally, for example, I know that a lot of restaurants had functional non-smoking sections way before we had laws about that, and a decent number of public buildings were wheelchair-accessible pre-ADA.) I think most of us want to do the right thing, whether it's designing a bathroom or arranging seating at a meeting or whatever, but we don't always know, or stop to think, about all of the issues. That's natural, and rather than whining or declaring hostility where none exists, it would seem more productive to try to raise awareness gently. Even if you're not willing to actually do any work, there are better and worse ways to make people aware of the issues, and people like Miss You-Owe-Me-Drive-Through-Groceries are not using the better ways.

Comments

[celebrin.livejournal.com]

Okay, I'm kinda posting after just reading the first paragraph, but that's kinda cause I'm floored.

Pittsburgh doesn't have Dairy Barn?

If the answer is no, I shall explain. Dairy Barn is a wonderful chain store that is a drive through convenience store. You want milk in the pouring rain? You go there. It's snowing and you need eggs and something to tide you over, you go there. You will pay $3.00 for a half-gallon of milk and I don't know how much for the eggs, but if the alternative is getting out of your car in the pouring rain for a lousy half gallon of milk when you promised to pick up some on your way home and your mom is going to kill you if you dont' have it when you walk through the door it is a lifesaver. (especially during my teenage years)

I thought it was a national chain! NY has it, NJ has it. Connecticut has it. Sorry.

More about entitlement after I've slept.

[zzrg.livejournal.com]

Since good service up front has disappeared in this country people have been trained to whine for service. This enables companies to only provide the service level that a customer absolutely insists on in order to keep the customer and no more. The less you whine, the less service you are requesting. Fortunately most of their competition has the same philosophy. I do love America sometimes.

McDonalds, can't you read the little signs they have everywhere, braile menus availible? I find those a little funny myself.

[nsingman.livejournal.com]

I think you hit the nail on the head when you wrote "entitlements." People generally seem much more willing to be polite and make requests when they're asking for something they'd like but don't necessarily feel entitled to. Once something has been raised to the level of entitlement, denial of it becomes an infringement of a "right," and is often met with expectant (and sometimes angry) demands, rather than polite requests.

[hobbitblue.livejournal.com]

Yep, I agree.. expecting the world to change around to meet your needs wihtout lifting a finger to help is just arrogant, and I really don't see that a restaurant should provide child-size amenities, sheesh.

(That said, mostly the disabled arguments are valid, the number of stores here in Liverpool UK that have such high steps at the entrance no wheelchair user could enter - guess disabled people don't listen to music, wear clothes or buy books much)

This is *precisely* why I don't like most other parents

[fiannaharpar.livejournal.com]

I completely agree with your take on this. This response isn't nearly as cogently worded as i'd like and will probably put something better in my own journal some time this week.

You know what, it *is* a pain in the ass to haul Lake into Whole Foods for just a carton of milk..so I shop alone on my lunch hour, or Ray and I make arrangements to *gasp* go without something until it can be better planned. There is no such thing as a "Milk Emergency". A failure to plan on your part should never mean that the world should bend to your whim.

There are things that we can't do with a baby, and you know what? GOOD! That means that when Ray and I go out together we can go somewhere that runs a good chance of there not being children there. I don't want children everywhere I go. Mostly because a good chunk of them are poorly to non-parented ("free range children"...and thems good eatin). If we want to take Lake to a restaurant, we select one that is specifically 'family friendly" (Eat n' Park, King's, etc) because that's the appropriate place to take her. If she's fussy anywhere, we LEAVE. Why? Because that's what your supposed to do.

I honestly believe that the problem comes from a combination of: the child rearing techniques of the last 10+ years where you teach your child that they are spayshul and unique and treated like their every move is cause for reward - which has given us a generation of spoiled, entitlement minded people who don't understand that *other people* are just as valuable and special; the culture of entitlement that has grown in the United States (give me tax money for my children! Put baby changing stations everywhere! Make everything drive-through and convenient so I don't have to plan or anything! Give me stuff! Make me feel special or suffer a lawsuit! GIMME!!!); the fact that, in America, we have forgotten that although we have access to all things at all times (from a good Goat Cheese to a decent Nipple Licking, even at 3 a.m.), this is not necessarily a good thing, it gives us tons of mediocre choices and it gives us the ability to do things that perhaps we shouldn't; and the fact that we, as Americans, have forgotten that with great power, comes great responsibility - not the *right* to more power.

But that is my, rather strong, opinion.