demands vs requests

[cellio]

I've been noticing more cases lately of what I consider rude demands for entitlements, and I really wonder what makes these people tick.

This morning's paper contained a column by a mother bemoaning the "fact" that society is child- and family-hostile. She complained that the post office and grocery store don't have drive-through services (because dealing with car-seat hassles when all you want is a quart of milk is a pain), that restaurants don't have child-sized urinals and low sinks, and much more. In a lot of ways it reminded me of a couple local SCA folks who claim that the group is family-hostile because we hold business meetings at 8pm on school nights and don't provide a full complement of toys and games. But it's not just parents doing this; I've encountered the same attitude from some people who are handicapped or disadvantaged in various ways.

Note: I'm not saying that all or even most members of any particular group behave this way. Just some.

This makes me wonder, though. Do these people honestly believe that the people around them will respond favorably to whining and (sometimes) bullying? The author of that article could have done something positive -- by, say, telling us about how she worked with her local grocery store to arrange for a delivery service, or how she helped a local restaurant improve its restrooms, or the like. The parents complaining about the SCA business meetings could bring some toys and games instead of complaining that non-parents don't. The congregant with limited hearing could work with the ushers to arrange for reserved seats near the front of the room. These are all things that not only address the direct problem but also help others and send a positive message. They say "I would like help with this problem and I'm willing to do some work myself". They involve honey, not vinegar.

Why don't more people try this? Why do so many jump immediately to the conclusion that society is out to get them and they have to fight back? This hostility can't be benefitting the people who exude it, so why does it not seem to occur to people to try the friendly solution first? Why assume that people are against you, rather than that they never thought about your special needs because they don't share them and no one ever asked?

And, y'know, sometimes you just have to take some defensive or precautionary measures anyway. I have a vision problem. I am almost never without a pocket magnifying glass, which I use several times per week. When I go to a fast-food restaurant with the menu posted behind the serving area (fortunately, this rarely happens any more), I know going in that I'm not going to be able to read the menu, so either I ask a companion to help me out or I try "generic ordering" ("do you have a fish sandwich?" etc). When taking trips I try to arrange to not be the driver, especially at night, even if this inconveniences me in other ways (e.g. leaving earlier than I would have). When these coping mechanisms aren't enough I'm not afraid to ask for help, but I don't conclude that society is hostile to those without perfect vision.

(Well, that sounded kind of holier-than-thou, didn't it? It wasn't meant to.)

I know lots of people who take positive approaches to their limitations -- whether "personal", like I do, or more "active", like those who strive to educate the public about special needs. (Locally, for example, I know that a lot of restaurants had functional non-smoking sections way before we had laws about that, and a decent number of public buildings were wheelchair-accessible pre-ADA.) I think most of us want to do the right thing, whether it's designing a bathroom or arranging seating at a meeting or whatever, but we don't always know, or stop to think, about all of the issues. That's natural, and rather than whining or declaring hostility where none exists, it would seem more productive to try to raise awareness gently. Even if you're not willing to actually do any work, there are better and worse ways to make people aware of the issues, and people like Miss You-Owe-Me-Drive-Through-Groceries are not using the better ways.

Comments

[estherchaya.livejournal.com]

they feel that people that have "adults only, please" parties are excluding them specifically (gee...wonder why?)

Ahem. I can't imagine who you're referring to.

And as for adults only parties, I can't imagine that you might be referring to my black-tie wedding are you? I got crap for that. I love kids. I want them in my life. I can't wait to have my very own. I volunteer to babysit for everyone I know with kids because I LOVE spending time with kids. BUT. A black-tie affair is no place for a two year old. But maybe that's just me.

Anyway, Monica, as for your original post, I am in complete agreement.

[psu-jedi.livejournal.com]

Actually, I don't think you know who I'm referring to...it's not who you might think it is. I was referring to a party hosted by friends of Cary's years ago--her house was not "child-proof," and she said so and said she preferred that people don't bring their kids. I think it's a perfectly reasonable request...why should those people who don't have kids, and have a house that has expensive things around, be made to change their decor because someone doesn't watch their children when they are in a group setting?