funeral practices

[cellio]

Today while we were studying we ended up talking about funeral practices. My rabbi recently did a funeral for a member of an interfaith family, so there was also a priest or minister there and this led to some things my rabbi isn't used to, most notably the open casket and the things said to comfort the mourners. So he asked me how I feel about all that, given that my background is different from his.

I think I've always felt weird about seeing bodies at funerals and viewings. I certainly feel weird about it now. But I did as a kid, too; I was raised to never go into someone else's bedroom when that person was sleeping, and this seemed even more an invasion than that. (The analogy for death was sleep.)

The first two funerals in my life were when I was 5 (in one case) and either 5 or 6 (in the other case). One was my aunt Mary, and her death was not unexpected. (Well, it came as a surprise to me, because no one had told me the reason she kept giving things away when we visited, but it was expected by the adults.) The other was my grandfather, who died without any warning at the age of 50. (Heart attack. No prior problems. Died in his sleep.)

Now, especially in the case of my grandfather, we heard a lot of things like "he's in a better place now" (with Jesus, with the angels, etc). Christianity has a lot of focus on the afterlife, so it makes sense that these ideas would be comforting, especially when someone dies young. The religion of my childhood taught me to look forward to the afterlife -- that this time on earth is just a passing thing, vastly inferior to what awaits if we're good. (Yes, I asked the obvious question early on: if you try to hurry things along to reach that goal sooner, you won't reach it at all.)

This sort of thing never comforted me, though. I guess I was, and am, too much of a here-and-now person; especially in the case of my grandfather, I was a greedy child who wanted him back now. I didn't believe he was in a better place, and even if he was, I wanted him to wait. Five-year-olds aren't very sophisticated, but there you have it.

As an adult, I find the theology foreign. We should live good lives, of course, but because doing so makes this world a better place. God gave us this world to care for and live in, after all. An afterlife, if it exists, is a bonus; this world is certain and that one is not. So when someone dies young it's not a comfort to think about the afterlife; rather, I think about all the things that person was doing or might have done in this world and how we're the lesser for his absence.

I don't believe that death is a punishment; people don't die because they were bad and God zapped them. (Well, I suppose it can happen, but it's not the usual case.) But death is not a reward, either; it just is.

Someday, I hope a long time from now, I'm going to have to face the funerals of my parents. I'll be told lots of things by well-meaning religious people that are supposed to comfort me and that won't; fortunately, I'll also have a community that has a different approach, one that seems to resonate more for me. I'm not sure there's anything else that will produce such a sharp division between what my relatives do and what I do.

I'm not sure all this babbling has a point, really, but I found myself thinking about it after our conversation, and I wanted to write something about it.

Comments

[alienor.livejournal.com]

Thanks for your thoughts, I'm glad to have read them (having dealt with too much death myself recently).

I just wanted to point something out.

An afterlife, if it exists, is a bonus; this world is certain and that one is not.

To those people who truly believe in those faiths that have an afterlife (I'm guessing Judism isn't one of them), that world is certain.

I think what you said about 'resonating' is the essential point. Some people find that the "well-meaning religious people" resonate with them, and it does comfort them.

I'm really just rambling now . . .

[goljerp]

I am not a Rabbi, nor an authority on Judiasm as a whole, but why should that stop me?

While Judiasm has the concept of an afterlife, it's not the focus of our religion. Since Judiasm is more interested in what you do than what you believe, you can be a good jew and say Yigdal every week without believing in the bit that says that the soul is eternal. It helps if you're using a prayer book which doesn't exactly translate that bit.

I think that comforting a mourner is always very difficult, but it's an important thing for a community to do. I'm glad that I, personally, find the Jewish customs around mourning to work (although I have not, thank God, had to sit shiva myself yet).

[cellio]

To those people who truly believe in those faiths that have an afterlife (I'm guessing Judism isn't one of them), that world is certain.

Yes. Wasn't trying to knock them or anything; it's just that since I don't share that belief, I can't see an afterlife as being on par with this world. They can, so that can comfort them. It didn't comfort me even as a child raised in that religion.

[alienor.livejournal.com]

Just seemed like you were making a blanket statement, my fault if I misread it.

BTW, it isn't a certainity for me either.

[cellio]

Oh, whoops. No, you should treat that paragraph as having a great big "in my opinion" wrapped around it. I try not to assert things globally that I can't prove. :-) Sorry for the confusion.

[alienor.livejournal.com]

No problem. :-)

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

FWIW, I thought you were pretty clear that you were talking just about and from your own perspective.

A.