learning experience

[cellio]

A post in a community for Jewish converts (and converts in training) raised this question: the poster has a disabled sibling and has in the past been the person who accompanies said sibling to church on Christmas. (The rest of the family is in the choir.) Is this behavior permitted, required, or forbidden of a Jew?

Much of the feedback so far weighs in on the side of "required -- family is family". Someone cited honoring one's parents (the source of the request), and a couple people mentioned protecting a life (the sibling is apparently in real danger of injury without someone there).

I, on the other hand, am leaning toward "forbidden", though "permitted" is a possibility. Definitely not "required", though.

The issue is complex. While the sibling needs a caregiver, that's a service that can be hired -- so there's no apparent need for the poster to do it personally. Of course it's important to honor one's parents (this comes up a lot in text), but the talmud also teaches that if a parent asks you to transgress the Torah, you must decline (Bava Metzia 32a). This raises the question of whether attending another religion's worship service -- on its second-holiest day, to boot -- is avodah zara, forbidden worship. Is it enough if you don't intend to worship? What if you don't participate? What if you don't listen? That is a complex question with varied answers depending on circumstances, ranging from exactly what will take place to the strength of your own Jewish education and commitment, and you really need to ask your rabbi for a personal ruling.

I think the experience of facing this issue is valuable for the conversion candidate, actually. As a member of a minority religion (that sometimes faces hostility from others), sometimes you are going to have to make choices between your religion and your family/friends/society -- things like this, or resolving Shabbat issues with your employer, or various other matters. Finding out how you will handle those choices before it's "too late" -- before you convert and acquire new obligations -- seems useful to me.

I assume that most conversion candidates face some sort of religion-vs-world-at-large test during the process, but I don't actually know.

Comments

[sanpaku.livejournal.com]

Many orthodox folks won't set foot in a church. Personally I think that's a major fault line between orthodoxy and Conservatism. There really are many excellent sources that declare in no uncertain terms that Christianity is not avodah zarah, enough to be normative, I think. Insisting on otherwise just flies in the face of too much other evidence, and I don't think one should act on the basis of what's essentially a superstition. I was at an old friend's wedding in a Catholic church this summer and didn't think twice about it.

Now my story is of going with my wife to Christmas eve services. I had just settled into the Chinese food when a passing harmful remark she made to her sister, as the latter was going out the door, prompted her to want to go to the church and make up with her sister. I've been to Christian services before, but the whole lighting the candle thing and all made me distinctly uncomfortable. But my wife found it valuable, because she felt so alienated being there, so much that it just was not her, that she left a stronger Jew than she had been before.

We talk about the Christmas thing (ie being at her house with the tree and all) every year, because I really hate Christmas, yet it is very important to her family, and I know she feels the tug back to them. The stakes are higher with the baby, too. And there's the fact that her family is pretty amazingly anti-Semitic. But I have decided that it's part of her and I know that she is not a complete person when she feels estranged from them. Darchei shalom is a Jewish value too, so we live with it for now. That's how I would advise the person you originally referred to, to think about it.

[goljerp]

This is a toughie. I would suggest that in this situation, the person should try really hard to get someone else to take care of the sibling. The reason I would give would be that one does not place a stumbling block in front of the blind. What I'm thinking is that it's a tough thing to convert, and that attending christmas services will likely be a difficult emotional experience for the conversion candidate. Why should the potential convert go through this if it can be avoided?

[cecerose.livejournal.com]

Like you, I'd lean towards "permitted," given extentuating circumstances, especially if his family is unable to find a suitable caretaker.

I had a religion vs. world of large experience when I went to my niece's First Communion. I considered myself a guest (my family was aware of my status) and attended, but didn't consider it a form of idolatry. It was instructive for me because I discovered just how alien my Catholic roots had become to me.

I'm going to have a bit of a challenge this December because my sisters and their families are coming to spend the winter holidays with me. They've agreed to observe my dietary restrictions. We've yet to negotiate on the "celebration" of Christmas. I won't go to Mass with them, but on the otherhand if they want to open gifts for the girls and celebrate with a meal on Xmas Day, that's fine. There won't be a tree or any other Christmas decorations, that's something I'm going to be pretty firm on. Again, I will see myself as a "guest" but not a participant in the celebration

It's interesting negotiating those boundaries, but fortunately, my sisters are pretty understanding...

[filkerdave.livejournal.com]

In my own utterly non-traditionalist way, I'd say "permitted"

If you're not taking PART in the service, I don't see any harm in it. I was just at the christening of a friend's child. I sat respectfully, didn't sing along with them (although that was REALLY tempting), and was there for my friends.

But I also think an awful lot of the restrictions we place on ourselves are silly.

[zare-k.livejournal.com]

This is sort of tangential, but:

My mother knows that I no longer follow the Christian faith and have no desire to do so again. Yet, she keeps inviting me to go to church with her, and often not in a way that is especially respectful (e.g. claiming that I need to come to church as part of learning to lead an ethical life). I always refuse, not only because it conflicts with my own beliefs but because it seems disrespectful of the church as well. I wouldn't be there out of belief, or sincere interest in the faith, or for purposes of cultural learning and research (it's the church I went to growing up, so I have a reasonable idea of what it's like). So I can either sit there listening and not participating at all, which would arouse people's curiousity and put me in the unenviable position of trying to explain myself to my parents' friends without offending anyone (although I suppose that's my problem), or I can play "religious dress-up" by going through the motions of a service I don't believe in. That feels hypocritical to me, and I also feel like it would be offensive to people who actually believed in the service.

Eh. I wonder if we would get along better on this issue if I had actively chosen another religion rather than just leaving one. That way I could say "I'm not going to church because I think God actually wants me to do something else instead" rather than "I'm not going to church and I don't necessarily believe that I'm supposed to be doing anything at all".