Shabbat dinner
Mar. 21st, 2004 04:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cellioSeveral weeks ago a woman named Tova showed up at our Shabbat morning minyan. We got to talking after the service and talked vaguely about doing some Shabbat meal together. I invited her on a week that didn't work for her, she invited us on a week that didn't work for us, etc. (And I am nagged by the feeling that my kashrut might not be good enough for her, though I'd like to invite her. I know how to cook for those more observant than I; I'm less clear on how to reassure them that I've done so correctly.) Anyway, we finally connected this week.
She is an Israeli who is here for an extended period (several months but less than a year). She is staying with her in-laws here in Squirrel Hill. So Dani and I were invited to their Shabbat dinner this week. This meant missing services at my congregation, but so long as I don't do that too often I can deal with that.
The whole family was very friendly, warm, and welcoming. The couple have three children (eyeballing it, I'd say ages 6 through 12 or so). They also have a niece staying with them at the moment. So it was a good-sized group, but small enough that there was one conversation rather than several.
The family is Orthodox -- maybe Chabad; couldn't tell for sure and didn't ask. (I may ask Tova at some point.) They didn't seem to have issues with women singing; Tova invited us to sing and she sang herself, and in fact the singing was one of the best parts of the evening. They handed us bentchers that also have song collections and asked us to pick ones that had words we liked and they'd teach us melodies. At one point I was able to teach them a melody for one of them that they didn't know. Most of their melodies were unfamiliar to me, but Dani and I both picked them up quickly.
The father gave a short d'var torah (commentary on the week's portion) and then invited each of the kids to do so. Yeah, in part this probably fills the "what did you learn in school today?" niche, but I like it even though I'm not a parent. I'm relieved that they didn't invite us to do so, though, as I wasn't prepared (hadn't anticipated it) and Dani certainly wouldn't have been prepared.
We also talked about secular things -- work and hobbies and stuff. Talking about our interests in music is what set off the invitation to sing, actually. Tova and Dani talked some about Israel, since they were both born there. It was a successful gathering socially -- much friendliness and interaction all around.
Tova knew going in that I had married a mostly-secular Jew, and she of course met me in a Reform congregation (though she doesn't know what my educational background is). So for a number of things she was providing explanations and tutoring (e.g. telling us to just repeat the blessing for hand-washing after her, phrase by phrase). I'm glad she was trying to make things easy, but was unsure how to react to some of it. Mostly I just nodded and smiled because while almost all of this was stuff I already knew, I didn't want to embarrass Dani (who probably didn't know). But I'm a bit torn, because there seemed to be this presumption that as as Reform Jew I wouldn't know this stuff, and I'm not sure if I should tell her that some of us do. She's a very nice person and was not trying to offend or anything, but I could see someone else possibly taking that the wrong way. On the other hand, I'm a bit of a mutant. So I don't know if I should clue her in or just let it go on the theory that it may never come up again. I did manage to contribute some clues during the torah discussions, though, so maybe that was enough of a hint. :-)
I saw a nifty new gadget. When we make kiddush (say the blessing over wine to sanctify Shabbat or a holiday), everyone at the table is then supposed to drink some of that specific wine -- the wine in the cup that was held by the person making the blessing. At home it's just the two of us and we share the cup; at a larger gathering this is less practical, and it's normal to pour from the kiddush cup after the blessing into a bunch of smaller cups and then distribute them. The new gadget was a "fountain": it had several spouts, each with a little cup sitting under it, and the man who made kiddush then poured the cup in the top and all the little cups filled. Neat! (And yes, there are stoppers of some sort so you only have to activate the number of spouts that you'll need that night.) I would almost never actually have occasion to use something like this, but boy was it neat! I'd both like to have one and like to have occasions to use it.
The evening -- about three and a half hours, by the way -- was a taste of what Shabbat is supposed to be like. I usually only get this at my congregation's annual retreat, when about 30 or 35 of us and my rabbi go away and spend a full Shabbat rather than just the few hours of services. While a single meal can't match an entire Shabbat, this was evocative of that experience in a lot of ways. I crave the ability to recreate this in my house from time to time, but I'm not really sure how. This worked because a critical mass of people knew the songs, knew the rituals, were able to speak words of torah -- could I assemble such a group here without putting Dani on the spot? (Aside: sadly, my rabbi is very allergic to cats, so inviting him doesn't work.) It usually falls to the host(s) to initiate this ruach -- spirit -- that comes from singing and speaking torah and so forth, and that's not something that Dani signed up for. (He was very generous in agreeing to go with me to the dinner Friday.) I invite guests from time to time, but we have a meal and more ordinary conversations; it's not like what we experienced Friday night. How can I make the transition?
(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-21 04:14 pm (UTC)There's a large class of people for whom your *kitchen* would not be Kosher enough. Don't worry about trying to convince them otherwise - it's not possible.
As one data point: When I cooked at the U Md. Hillel House, the rabbi, who also served as the mashgiach, would not eat any food cooked in the kitchen, with a few very limited exceptions. Part of that was ingredients (Chalav Yisrael, Glatt meat), but part of it was the equipment itself.
It usually falls to the host(s) to initiate this ruach -- spirit -- that comes from singing and speaking torah and so forth, and that's not something that Dani signed up for. (He was very generous in agreeing to go with me to the dinner Friday.) I invite guests from time to time, but we have a meal and more ordinary conversations; it's not like what we experienced Friday night. How can I make the transition?
Have guests over Friday night, and slide them into discussing Torah by asking them for last-minute advice about the dvar torah you're giving in shul the next day.
If you're saying Birkat HaMazon, then preface it with one of your Z'mirot from the bencher with all the songs in it. (Try to get a set of matching benchers that has both transliterations and translations, for the benefit of, well, just about everyone.)
Get some recordings of the Chassidic Music Festivals or similar music, and play them as background music. Sing along with your favorite song while you're serving the food or clearing the table.
Make notes secretly on which dinner guests are most amenable to adding more Yiddishkeit to Shabbat dinner. Arrange an evening when all of them are present, and none of the people who seem uncomfortable with the prospect. (Any evil gamemaster tactics you might have developed will come in handy here.)
As for Dani - that will be more difficult. Ask him what parts of that Friday night he was most comfortable with, and which he was least comfortable with. Whatever little bits he likes, try making those a practice.
Good luck!
(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-21 08:15 pm (UTC)There's a large class of people for whom your *kitchen* would not be Kosher enough.
Well, I do know how to cook using disposable items like foil pans (double-wrapped if my oven is questioned, of course), and I can re-kasher the microwave pretty easily as needed, and cold foods are easier. It can be done; it just takes planning.
(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-21 10:02 pm (UTC)1. It's a lot of work to do this, and many people would not want to impose on someone to go to all that effort.
2. Furthermore, your prospective guests might not want to embarass a potential host by saying "we don't trust your kashrut, can you cook in tinfoil for us?"
3. There are a lot of people who think they know enough to accomodate a Kosher visitor, but really don't. (My favorite example of this was the well-meaning friend who made a casserole with Kosher hot dogs and treif meatballs, figuring that I could just pick out and eat the pieces of hot dog.)
4. Above and beyond the issue of preparing Kosher food, there is the issue of not cooking on Shabbat. Standards on this vary widely. For example, in my parents' kitchen:
a. Pots don't go on stove burners - they go on a blecht, a flat piece of metal that 'insulates' the pot of food from the cooking surface.
b. Tea isn't brewed from bags - tea concentrate is made before Shabbat, and mixed with water to the desired strength on Shabbat.
c. No containers are opened; anything that involves tearing paper, using a can opener, ripping tinfoil, etc. must be opened before Shabbat.
d. The fridge door sensor is taped over so that opening the fridge doesn't turn on the light. [Unscrewing the light bulb has the same effect.]
e. The microwave cannot be used at all on Shabbat (but is OK for Yom Tov.)
Other people have other rules - the most common is that you can't bring food and heat together, so, for example, you can leave a pot of cholent on the burner [or the crockpot turned on] over Shabbat, but you can't put a pot of food on the burner that you've left on since before Shabbat.
5. There are also all kinds of other issues for Shomer Shabbat visitors: is there an elevator? do they need to ring a door bell to get inside? will the light be on in the bathroom? will there be tissues or pre-ripped toilet paper? will someone turn lights on or off? is it safe to walk back and forth to home?
Yes, you may know enough to ensure the comfort of highly Shomer-Shabbat guests, but it's a lot to assume from a relative stranger.
As a side note, in my parents' neighborhood there is a lot of Sukkah-hopping; inviting people to drop in for a bite of pareve cake has a lot fewer Kashrut pitfalls than a full meal.
And on the gripping hand... I'm jealous that you have such a rich and diverse Jewish community around you. I don't know if I'm even going to have a Seder to go to this year...
(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-22 07:09 am (UTC)Good point about potential embarrassment. I would try to prevent it from getting that far by offering, but they might still be reluctant. And people who don't know me well don't know whether I have the knowledge I claim to have, of course, unlike my more-observant friends. (For example, I have a friend who trusted my kitchen when I lived alone, after we discussed details. I would still like to be able to cook for him when we're in the same city, and I believe that my husband has lowered the kashrut of my kitchen enough for this to be a problem, so when I'm cooking food he might eat I just automatically switch over to disposables etc. I also have a few utensils that are put away safely out of the husband's reach. Basically, I know how to get up to the level he previously accepted, which allows me to feed him. That doesn't automatically extend to anyone else, of course.)
And on the gripping hand... I'm jealous that you have such a rich and diverse Jewish community around you.
I'm lucky to live in a fairly rich community, yes. (Granted, my most recent move was premeditated along those lines. I used to live far enough out that I drove to shul, for instance.)
I don't know if I'm even going to have a Seder to go to this year...
Hillel? Chabad? It would be a shame if you couldn't go to a seder!
The following recently came across a mailing list I'm on:
(no subject)
Date: 2004-03-22 08:13 pm (UTC)I've heard it pronounced "Blech", and I sometimes like to say it, just for fun. Blech. Blech. Blech! (I'd better watch myself in public, though... already my minyan thinks it's funny that I use "Pentateuch" every chance I get...)
The rationale that I've heard for the Blech is that it's there to prevent you from accidentally adjusting the gas flame when you put a pot on the stove (or, I suppose, putting it out if the pot drips water or something.) I think that if one had an electric stove, a Blech wouldn't be needed.
c. No containers are opened; anything that involves tearing paper, using a can opener, ripping tinfoil, etc. must be opened before Shabbat.
This is pretty strict -- when it comes to food, many people accept that one may do destructive acts on Shabbat -- opening cans (manually, of course), etc. Of course, like everything, people have different practices...
There are a lot of people who think they know enough to accomodate a Kosher visitor, but really don't.
After eating meat, I was once offered dessert. I declined... even though (well, partly because) it was pointed out to me that it had a heksher. It's not that I didn't trust the heksher; it's that it was a dairy heksher...)
(no subject)
Date: 2004-05-21 10:59 pm (UTC)