Shabbat dinner

[cellio]

Wow, that was great!

Several weeks ago a woman named Tova showed up at our Shabbat morning minyan. We got to talking after the service and talked vaguely about doing some Shabbat meal together. I invited her on a week that didn't work for her, she invited us on a week that didn't work for us, etc. (And I am nagged by the feeling that my kashrut might not be good enough for her, though I'd like to invite her. I know how to cook for those more observant than I; I'm less clear on how to reassure them that I've done so correctly.) Anyway, we finally connected this week.

She is an Israeli who is here for an extended period (several months but less than a year). She is staying with her in-laws here in Squirrel Hill. So Dani and I were invited to their Shabbat dinner this week. This meant missing services at my congregation, but so long as I don't do that too often I can deal with that.

The whole family was very friendly, warm, and welcoming. The couple have three children (eyeballing it, I'd say ages 6 through 12 or so). They also have a niece staying with them at the moment. So it was a good-sized group, but small enough that there was one conversation rather than several.

The family is Orthodox -- maybe Chabad; couldn't tell for sure and didn't ask. (I may ask Tova at some point.) They didn't seem to have issues with women singing; Tova invited us to sing and she sang herself, and in fact the singing was one of the best parts of the evening. They handed us bentchers that also have song collections and asked us to pick ones that had words we liked and they'd teach us melodies. At one point I was able to teach them a melody for one of them that they didn't know. Most of their melodies were unfamiliar to me, but Dani and I both picked them up quickly.

The father gave a short d'var torah (commentary on the week's portion) and then invited each of the kids to do so. Yeah, in part this probably fills the "what did you learn in school today?" niche, but I like it even though I'm not a parent. I'm relieved that they didn't invite us to do so, though, as I wasn't prepared (hadn't anticipated it) and Dani certainly wouldn't have been prepared.

We also talked about secular things -- work and hobbies and stuff. Talking about our interests in music is what set off the invitation to sing, actually. Tova and Dani talked some about Israel, since they were both born there. It was a successful gathering socially -- much friendliness and interaction all around.

Tova knew going in that I had married a mostly-secular Jew, and she of course met me in a Reform congregation (though she doesn't know what my educational background is). So for a number of things she was providing explanations and tutoring (e.g. telling us to just repeat the blessing for hand-washing after her, phrase by phrase). I'm glad she was trying to make things easy, but was unsure how to react to some of it. Mostly I just nodded and smiled because while almost all of this was stuff I already knew, I didn't want to embarrass Dani (who probably didn't know). But I'm a bit torn, because there seemed to be this presumption that as as Reform Jew I wouldn't know this stuff, and I'm not sure if I should tell her that some of us do. She's a very nice person and was not trying to offend or anything, but I could see someone else possibly taking that the wrong way. On the other hand, I'm a bit of a mutant. So I don't know if I should clue her in or just let it go on the theory that it may never come up again. I did manage to contribute some clues during the torah discussions, though, so maybe that was enough of a hint. :-)

I saw a nifty new gadget. When we make kiddush (say the blessing over wine to sanctify Shabbat or a holiday), everyone at the table is then supposed to drink some of that specific wine -- the wine in the cup that was held by the person making the blessing. At home it's just the two of us and we share the cup; at a larger gathering this is less practical, and it's normal to pour from the kiddush cup after the blessing into a bunch of smaller cups and then distribute them. The new gadget was a "fountain": it had several spouts, each with a little cup sitting under it, and the man who made kiddush then poured the cup in the top and all the little cups filled. Neat! (And yes, there are stoppers of some sort so you only have to activate the number of spouts that you'll need that night.) I would almost never actually have occasion to use something like this, but boy was it neat! I'd both like to have one and like to have occasions to use it.

The evening -- about three and a half hours, by the way -- was a taste of what Shabbat is supposed to be like. I usually only get this at my congregation's annual retreat, when about 30 or 35 of us and my rabbi go away and spend a full Shabbat rather than just the few hours of services. While a single meal can't match an entire Shabbat, this was evocative of that experience in a lot of ways. I crave the ability to recreate this in my house from time to time, but I'm not really sure how. This worked because a critical mass of people knew the songs, knew the rituals, were able to speak words of torah -- could I assemble such a group here without putting Dani on the spot? (Aside: sadly, my rabbi is very allergic to cats, so inviting him doesn't work.) It usually falls to the host(s) to initiate this ruach -- spirit -- that comes from singing and speaking torah and so forth, and that's not something that Dani signed up for. (He was very generous in agreeing to go with me to the dinner Friday.) I invite guests from time to time, but we have a meal and more ordinary conversations; it's not like what we experienced Friday night. How can I make the transition?

Comments

[aliza250.livejournal.com]

I know how to cook for those more observant than I; I'm less clear on how to reassure them that I've done so correctly.

There's a large class of people for whom your *kitchen* would not be Kosher enough. Don't worry about trying to convince them otherwise - it's not possible.

As one data point: When I cooked at the U Md. Hillel House, the rabbi, who also served as the mashgiach, would not eat any food cooked in the kitchen, with a few very limited exceptions. Part of that was ingredients (Chalav Yisrael, Glatt meat), but part of it was the equipment itself.

It usually falls to the host(s) to initiate this ruach -- spirit -- that comes from singing and speaking torah and so forth, and that's not something that Dani signed up for. (He was very generous in agreeing to go with me to the dinner Friday.) I invite guests from time to time, but we have a meal and more ordinary conversations; it's not like what we experienced Friday night. How can I make the transition?

Have guests over Friday night, and slide them into discussing Torah by asking them for last-minute advice about the dvar torah you're giving in shul the next day.

If you're saying Birkat HaMazon, then preface it with one of your Z'mirot from the bencher with all the songs in it. (Try to get a set of matching benchers that has both transliterations and translations, for the benefit of, well, just about everyone.)

Get some recordings of the Chassidic Music Festivals or similar music, and play them as background music. Sing along with your favorite song while you're serving the food or clearing the table.

Make notes secretly on which dinner guests are most amenable to adding more Yiddishkeit to Shabbat dinner. Arrange an evening when all of them are present, and none of the people who seem uncomfortable with the prospect. (Any evil gamemaster tactics you might have developed will come in handy here.)

As for Dani - that will be more difficult. Ask him what parts of that Friday night he was most comfortable with, and which he was least comfortable with. Whatever little bits he likes, try making those a practice.

Good luck!

[chaiya.livejournal.com]

For a while, I hoped to buy a fountain kiddish cup thingie for Malka Esther and Larry (the Westborough Shabbat Household with zachkessin). The things are usually less than $100 for a nice set from Brookline. If you can't find them in your area or online, let me know? I could bring one to Pennsic, if you Paypal'd me the money.

Which reminds me ... do you have Shabbos plans for Pennsic? I'd love to see more of you this year. :)

[ichur72.livejournal.com]

The kiddush fountain thingies are neat, no? Problem is (so I've heard), that unless you buy a majorly expensive one, the little tubes leading down to the cups tend to get gunked up or otherwise blocked.

[sanpaku.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've always wanted one of those kiddush cup thingees too. You see them every so often in Judaica stores.

We also would have little occasion to use such a thing... sigh.

[gnomi.livejournal.com]

When I was in college, the Hillel rabbi would bring students to his house for dinner almost every Friday night. MAB and I were guests there a couple of times, and he had quite an interesting ritual for turning the conversation to the "proper" shabbat mood: After kiddush and hamotzi, while we were eating the first course, he would have one of the students retell his d'var torah that he'd given at davening. This tradition apparently had its roots when his wife was first pregnant with their oldest child (now in his 20s) - she couldn't make the walk to and from the Hillel, so he'd have students retell his d'var torah so that she wouldn't miss out. As the kids got older and she was able to come to shul, it became more of a ritual for steering the conversation and for discovering what of his drash had penetrated and what hadn't. I always thought it was a neat idea.