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why do we pray?
We were talking about why people do or don't come to services, and more broadly, why we pray. That is, do we feel directly commanded to pray a certain liturgy three times a day, the way our traditional friends do? Do we feel that this is our only method of connecting with God? If yes (to either), where is everyone? (Mind, some of our traditional friends may ask the same question.) Why does the weeknight minyan so often consist of just my rabbi and me, and what would we be doing otherwise?
My rabbi believes, and I tend to agree, that people, by and large, come to our Friday-evening services for events, not for prayer. They come for a bar mitzvah, or a baby naming, or to hear a particular speaker. There is a dedicated core, people who come nearly every week as part of the community, but at any given service they are the minority.
Contrast this, I said, with our Saturday-morning service -- the real one, not the bar-mitzvah service. We have an established community; it's pretty much the same people every week, and we're there for the service and for each other, and not for external factors like on Friday night. I asserted that people who don't come for events come for community -- maybe also for prayer, but it's the community that dominates. (After all, you can pray at home.)
(Speaking for myself, I am there on Friday nights and weekdays for both prayer and community support. While I will seek out Shabbat services if I'm away from my own synagogue, I'm not diligent about weekdays. I mean, even in town, I don't go every day. If we were to declare our weekday evening service a failure and shut it down, I wouldn't start going elsewhere. But because we have one, I support it. Our Shabbat morning service, on the other hand, is something that really means a lot to me, and if something were to threaten its existence I'd be in for the fight.)
My rabbi believes that people -- by which I think he mainly means modern Reform Jews -- are looking for three things in a prayer experience: intimacy, intensity, and authenticity. Our Shabbat morning service certainly has all three characteristics, but I think that can only happen in a strong community. I don't think you'd get that at the bar-mitzvah service. While our service does get visitors who seem to fit right in to the community (it appears to me -- some may be reading this and I invite you to speak up), it's because there is a strong foundation of an established community. Friday night also has an established community, but it's not large enough to provide intimacy and intensity for everyone.
We ended up talking a little about the question I raised here a while back of how do rabbis pray?. He pointed out the irony -- that those who are most motivated end up being the least able to actually pray in a community. This is another reason our Shabbat morning service is so valuable -- while yes, the rabbi is in charge, the service can practically run itself, and he's much freer to be "just a congregant" there.
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As part of our membership, we were asked what weekday(s) would be best for us to attend evening services, and how frequently we could attend. We go every 4th Tuesday. Coincidentally, this was the week. We arrived on time, but services were already in progress. This bothered me, but I'm still not entirely certain why. The services are short - it may be because it made me feel left out or that I missed something.
We are asked to attend weekday services for the people in our community who need a minyan in order to recite kaddish. This works just fine for me. I'm happy to go if for no other reason than that. I do try to reflect on the text and the prayers, but the service is quite quick, so I don't get a lot of reflection time. This doesn't bother me, since I'm really there to support those in the community who need my presence. I know that they will do the same for me, when the time comes.
Saturday services are a little different. I go because I want to hear the parasha and d'var for the week, to reflect on the texts and prayers, and to socialize. Services last about 2.5 hours or so, and we have an oneg for an hour or so.
I can match spoken hebrew to the text well enough that I can find my place in the siddur if I didn't already know where in the service we were. This is not entirely by rote, since I can do the same with the parasha if I know which page it started on. My actual hebrew vocabulary is poor. I can make the sounds, but I'm still working on understanding the words.
For me, there is an aspect of "communal spirituality" in the service that I like. I feel part of a greater whole, and I can be myself at the same time. I go because I want to go. When we're visiting my parents, I try to go to services - I know where the synagogue is, how long it takes to get there, and when the service starts. When we're elsewhere, I try to find the time to read the parasha when we return.
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Thanks. I think I've definitely got something like that going on too, even if it manifests oddly at times. For example, I feel an obligation to the community to show up on Thursday mornings for shacharit, even though I don't go any other weekdays. But I think it's more than just community -- this has become part of my fixed practice of relating to God, so at this point it's also an obligation to God. Maybe someday I'll be more thorough and go every day, but at least keeping that weekly appointment is important. (Ok, more than weekly because there's the evening minyan, Shabbat, etc, but you know what I mean.)
Early on I was told by a friend that if I do something enough times in a row, it becomes an obligation. I don't know if that's actually true, but it feels right. (The context was Shabbat candles; I'd been lighting them for several weeks even though I wasn't really sure if I should be, and he said "you're stuck now, then".)
As part of our membership, we were asked what weekday(s) would be best for us to attend evening services, and how frequently we could attend.
Oh wow. I haven't heard of that approach before, but it sounds like a good idea. Just this morning the folks at breakfast were bemoaning the frequent absence of a minyan; they've asked for people to volunteer for particular nights without as much success as they'd like, but I'll bet they haven't tried putting it right there on the membership application/renewal form. I may pass this idea on to them.
We arrived on time, but services were already in progress. This bothered me, but I'm still not entirely certain why.
Perhaps because they have asked you to make a commitment to them, but they have not kept their commitment to you? Starting early says "we don't value the people who come on time". It says they only care about getting ten people, not about getting the people who want to be there and know the service starts at 7:30 (or whatever). You should thwap them about this if it's a regular occurrence.
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Perhaps because they have asked you to make a commitment to them, but they have not kept their commitment to you? Starting early says "we don't value the people who come on time". It says they only care about getting ten people, not about getting the people who want to be there and know the service starts at 7:30 (or whatever). You should thwap them about this if it's a regular occurrence.
This is a good point. Especially since the time for this service was pushed back half an hour to adjust for the later summer sunsets. If it happens next time, I might say something.