[sh'liach k'hilah] outreach (mostly)

[cellio]

A quick aside: one of the articles I came home with is "Music in the Synagogue: When the Chazzan 'Turned Around'", by William Sharlin (CCAR Journal, Jan 1962). It asserts that when the chazzan (cantor, prayer leader) faced the ark (and thus had his back to the congregation), prayer -- both his and the congregation's -- could be more heart-felt, private, and perhaps spontaneous. However, when the chazzan started facing the congregation, everyone got self-conscious. So how do you find seclusion for prayer in that kind of situation? He raises the question but doesn't answer it. I'm not sure I accept his premise; it sounds plausible but I haven't thought a lot about it yet. But he could be right. I certainly did notice on Friday night that I wasn't sure what to do with myself, physically, during the silent prayer at the end of the Amidah, when I was facing the congregation.

On to outreach...

The instructor stressed that "outreach" really means two things to her -- ahavat ger, welcoming the stranger, and kiruv, drawing (everyone) near. Our goal should be to build welcoming communities in general, recognizing that we have a diverse community with different needs. She also scored points with me by saying we need to not neglect the knowledgable, committed Jews in the process, or assume that everyone is a family (with kids). Data point: the NJPS survey in 2000 found that only 20% of Jewish households consisted of two parents plus kids; we (she says, and I agree) under-serve 80% of our households. (She talked about some programs that the Reform movement encourages to aid in all this; we received literature. :-)

We also received some good checklists on the theme of "is your congregation user-friendly?". Some of the points are excessive in my opinion (e.g. they suggest that your yellow-pages ad include a map), but others are things we could definitely be doing better on.

During the conversion class we looked at two texts, Avram's covenant with God and Ruth's conversion to Judaism. I noticed two interesting things here. First, with Avram God is the priority; with Ruth it seems to be more about peoplehood, with God as a side-effect. Second, Avram is given some assurances by God; Ruth is making a leap of faith with no real basis for predicting the outcome. (Will she be accepted by these people?) At least Avram had an invitation. So I guess it makes sense that Ruth rather than Avram is the model for conversion, because most of us don't receive divine invitations to do anything these days, but Avram's story makes a better source in setting priorities IMO. Yeah, we're also a people, but I think God has to come first or what's the point? (I realize this view is controversial with some.)

I found the CCAR guide on conversion to be largely familiar, which isn't surprising. :-) (The guide post-dates my conversion but had clearly been in progress for some years. My rabbi didn't follow it, but he did a lot of the same things and surely had input into the guide.) The format is clever: they have the core guidelines in the center of the page, with commentary, alternatives, and suggestions for implementation around the outside. It sort of resembles a page of talmud, which can't have been an accident.

According to the guide there are six questions a would-be convert has to answer affirmatively before being accepted. (This is a necessary, not sufficient, condition.) My rabbi used those same six but added a single word to one of them when I had to answer them; he added the word "exclusively" to "if you should be blessed with children, do you promise to raise them as Jews?". I approve of his addition. While I'm all for being as welcoming as we can to interfaith families, I have seen too much evidence that a child raised with two religions ends up with zero, and if you aren't ready to raise your hypothetical children as Jews, perhaps you need to rethink whether you'll be able to keep Judaism alive in your home in other ways.

I note in passing that the CCAR resolution on patrilineal descent -- which doesn't quite say what many people think it does -- also requires an exclusive religion for the child. I wonder how widely this one is enforced; the class on education and curriculum brought up the problems of dealing with kids who alternate between your Sunday school and the church's, or who celebrate both Christmas and Chanukah. Of course, sometimes doctrine and poltiics are at odds with each other.

Comments

[cellio]

I assume that most couples in this situation have the best of intentions and don't realize how challenging it is to raise a kid in a house with two religions. And for most couples, one person is more strongly committed religiously than the other is; after all, if you have, say, a very-strongly-committed Catholic and a very-strongly-committed Jew, what are the odds that they would actually have married each other? Interfaith marriage results when religion is negotiable, and thinking abstractly about future kids can be rather different from confronting the issues around actual kids.

(Years ago, when I was not religious, I wondered just what the big deal was about interfaith marriages. I mean, each person can worship as he likes and not harm the other, right? Now I understand -- and it's not just about the kids, either. As I was studying for conversion I realized that I absolutely could not marry a non-Jew -- even if I ended up with a non-religious Jew, there needed to be at least that level of common understanding. It's hard to explain and it sounds snooty when I try, but it's not being snooty. In my case, I realized it would be a slap in the face of my adopted people to join them and then marry out.)

I don't know what happens if a Jew and a Catholic marry because both groups make you promise to raise the children according to their faith.

Well, that's the case if clergy officiate. No one can stop the couple from going to the JP. Or, for that matter, a rabbi can't stop the Jewish partner if the couple decides to get married in the church, or vice-versa.

Most rabbis won't participate in interfaith weddings; I assume the same is true for most priests. Some will, and some do "joint" weddings where they have clergy of both faiths involved, but I don't know how the negotiations for that tend to work out.

[mrpeck.livejournal.com]

I think I can mostly understand what you felt about needing to marry a Jew. I've had similar feelings. I can certainly understand that it seems unlikely that two people strongly attached to their differing faiths are likely to see each other as marriage potential.

Nowadays I think more priests do interfaith weddings. I don't know all the details though. I have seen one case where a Protestant and a Catholic were married in the Protestant's church by a minister with a priest present representing the Catholic Church. My understanding (with admittedly little actual knowledge) is that most Protestant denominations don't require that children be raised in that denomination so that might make it easier.

I've had kids in Sunday School whose father was Jewish but their mother was Catholic. They were worried about whether or not their father was going to hell (which I cannot answer because that's between him and God but I can certainly say that being Jewish isn't a cause for hell). It's so confusing for kids.

[dmnsqrl.livejournal.com]

Most rabbis won't participate in interfaith weddings; I assume the same is true for most priests.

Catholic priests will perform a service for someone who is marrying a non-Catholic, but the couple is usually required to participate in the Catholic pre-marriage preparation class/counseling

Also, if the couple would prefer for the ceremony to be performed by a minister of the non-Catholic fiance(e)'s faith, the marriage can still be seen as 'ok' in the eyes of the Catholic church as long as the couple goes through the hoops of asking for permission and, again, attends the Catholic premarriage preparation class/counseling

one thing that is important in that pre-marriage prep stuff is having conversations about "ok, say you have kids.... what are you going to teach them about religion? search your heart, what are you really feeling about this"

and as for your comment that you realized you couldn't marry a non-Jew.... I've dated non-Catholic guys and my most recent boyfriend and my current one were raised Catholic.... it's.... amazing the difference. Yes, it can be very tiring to have something that is important to you seem like it comes from Mars to someone who is very important to you