cellio | mostly Shabbat (or "welcome to my rabbi's world, again")

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mostly Shabbat (or "welcome to my rabbi's world, again")

Rosh Hashana went well for me, but I don't find myself having a lot to say about it. There are some bits of the liturgy that particularly struck me, and maybe later I'll get my machzor (high-holy-day prayerbook) and post them.

Shabbat morning I got a phone call from that day's torah reader, saying that she couldn't get there due to flooded-out areas between her house and the synagogue. I feel bad for her because she spent time learning the portion and now she can't use it until this time next year. She felt bad for leaving us in the lurch, and I tried to reassure her that it was obviously not her fault.

The rabbi couldn't stay today, so I suspected this would mean we wouldn't have a torah service, but then I said "hey, I read this portion last year; I wonder...". With ten minutes available to me to answer that question, I pulled out the tikkun and scraped the rust off of enough to make a valid torah reading. I wasn't going to be able to do all of it with that amount of time, but so long as you do at least three verses you can read torah. And I was able to do that, because (IMO) Ha'azinu is one of the easiest torah portions out there, and I'd done it before. When I got to shul I asked someone else to lead that part of the service and a third person to read the haftarah portion, because I didn't want to just take over myself. Remember those words; they'll be relevant later.

I mentally composed a d'var torah while walking to shul -- so it wasn't as polished as it might have been under better circumstances, but it was passable. I talked about the season and not the parsha directly. As my rabbi pointed out last week, this season is characterized by t'shuvah (repentance, or return), s'lichah (forgiveness), and kapparah (atonement). We've talked about the first and the last but not as much about the middle one. When we talk about forgiveness, we often focus on seeking it -- but we also have to be ready to grant it, when someone asks or even when the person doesn't ask. Sometimes the person who wronged you has no idea that he has done so, in which case he's not going to come to you. And sometimes the person knows he wronged you but he's not going to approach you and it's just not worth staying angry about it. So, I said, try to grant the possibility that the person might not know, and even if he doesn't, try not to carry minor grudges into the new year. It's just not worth it. Remember those words; they'll be relevant later.

One of the members of the group is a professor at a nearby college and is teaching a religion class this term. So, with advance notice to the rabbi, she brought about a dozen students to the service. The rabbi welcomed them and was extra-careful about giving page numbers, but otherwise did nothing special. Everything was going fine, and I assume the professor gave the students an overview of the service before she brought them.

So. The rabbi left, and a lay leader took over as we began the torah service. One of the members of the group (who is widely regarded in the group as being a disruptive PITA) started interjecting explanatory notes into the service. (Note that their professor never did.) The leader and I exchanged a look, but the leader is real laid-back and this didn't seem to be flustering him, so we shrugged at each other and went on.

Later, after I gave my talk, this same person jumped in and asked if he could add something. (This is, basically, never done during a d'var torah.) Having seen this go badly wrong before (and not just with him), I said "I'd rather not have a discussion in the middle of the service; how about bringing it up when we're done?". He protested that it would be short (he's never terse), a couple people off to the side said "no" quietly (I don't know if he heard), and I said that we were going to proceed with the service now. I didn't choose my words incredibly well, because I can be slow when things like this surprise me, but neither did I say something really inappropriate like "there's no way I'm going to let you derail this service like you've done so many times in the past". (And anyway, it wasn't just about him; I wouldn't have let anyone start a discussion, except if the rabbi popped back in and wanted to say something.) We continued through the rest of the service.

As soon as the service was over I went to this person to say "I'm sorry I had to cut you off, but if I let one person speak I'd have to let any of the other 40 people here do so too". He initially gave the impression that he wanted to discuss it but had things he wanted to say first, so I didn't immediately walk away when he started bitching at me. I was so wrong. He, basically, asserted that he had a right to speak during the service, and what he was going to do was add some more explanation about what I'd just said for the visitors (which I definitely wouldn't have allowed if I'd known!), and he's a school teacher and he knows what he's doing and I need to just trust him, and I'm patronizing and arrogant and I need to learn a thing or two about leadership, and I never let other people do anything, and so on. Any time I tried to respond (such as correcting the numerous factual errors I omitted in that summary, like when he accused me of firing a torah reader), he said "let me finish first". Ok, I figured, it's a leader's job to take a certain amount of flak for the group, and I'll be able to straighten him out when he's done. But when he finally finished, he then said "I'm very angry and I'm not interested in anything you have to say", and he walked out.

Ok. So he demanded the right to be heard but wouldn't grant that right to anyone else. I know he's way off base (and several people who overheard this hastened to point this out to me too), and I'm not going to let him bring me down. I find it ironic that he started by saying he agreed with what I said about forgiveness, but then acted in a way that was contrary to those ideas.

This is his third outburst at services in four months, and it's pretty clear the problem does not lie with the group in general or me in particular. From a personal perspective I have already put this behind me; he can't hurt me because I won't let him. But because he is (intentionally or not) undermining the lay leadership of this group, I suspect I'm not done dealing with this (or him). A staff member who overheard the tail end of this told me I need to talk with the rabbi about this; I was going to just deal with it on my own (either ignoring him or writing him a letter to arrive before Yom Kippur), but in thinking about it I think she's right. I don't want to add to my rabbi's workload and this feels like running to the teacher about the name-calling bully on the playground, but it sounds like at this point the guy needs to be straightened out by someone in clear authority.

But other than that the day went really well, and I received many compliments on my last-minute torah reading. After the ranty guy left I spoke with a freshman from Pitt who was there for the first time, and she said she really enjoyed the service and will be back. We also told her about Yom Kippur services, and it sounds like she's planning to come. She seems like a nice person; I'm glad the ranty guy didn't scare her off.

After services we went to Coronation (SCA event), giving a ride to a student who's in the choir. It took a long time to get there due to heavy traffic caused by closed roads, but it was a good event and it was fun to spend the time in the car chatting with a newer member. We also sat with two newer members at dinner (I hadn't met them before, though one of them had heard of me), and they are both nice people I hope to see more of. A lot of people in the SCA worry about getting new members, which often comes through big demos and the like. But retention has a lot to do with that kind of one-on-one contact, and it's what I enjoy more. I'm not all that interested in pitching the SCA to a boy-scout troop, but I'm very interested in chatting with folks who've already decided to get involved about what they want to do and helping get them pointed in the right direction.

The dinner at the event was really good. I like it when Johan cooks. :-) In addition to being talented, he takes care to make sure that everyone will be able to get enough to eat -- at many events vegetarians basically get bread, noodles, rice, and maybe a salad, but I ate quite well yesterday -- spinach quiche, salmon (ok, "regular" vegetarians wouldn't eat that), noodles with cheese, asparagus, salad, nuts, another cooked vegetable, and more. I didn't even save room for dessert, as it turned out.

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I'm sorry ot hear about ranty-guy. It does sound like he was way off base and you are right to try to not let that situation get to you. It's hard to do that sometimes. Speaking to the rabbi would seem to make sense to me from that standpoint that he probably wants to know what is going on in the congregation even if you were to handle the situation without intervention. It could also end up being one of those things where it is just better for the rabbi to hear it from you first.

Ranty guy gives me rage. Just imagining the condescending way he was speaking to you. It's not like you were saying he couldn't bring his perspective -- you gave him the clear option of bringing it up at the end, and you were far, far more appropriate with him than I would've been.

I, too, am sorry ranty guy quits bugging you. Contrary to popular belief, schoolteachers don't know everything ;-)

It does sound like it's time to talk to your rabbi. He may have an idea or two for ways to handle this guy, even if he doesn't step in at this point. Good luck.

I was going to say something useful about ranty guy, but everyone else has pretty much said it already, so I'm pretty much just commenting to be vaguely supportive instead.

Oh! And cool on you for managing last-minute Torah-reading stuff. :)

Contrary to popular belief, schoolteachers don't know everything ;-)

Even if they do, there's a protocol. He'd probably be mighty miffed if another teacher walked into his classroom and started lecturing the kids -- but that's exactly what he was doing to the professor. And to me, if I was at the time proxy for a teacher.

I'm going to call my rabbi tomorrow morning, let him know what happened, and ask how we should proceed.

Thanks. It can be hard to prevent annoying people from getting to you, but I think this one was so over the top that it won't be hard this time.

I'm going to talk to my rabbi tomorrow. If he'll talk to the guy that'd be great, because he of course has a degree of authority that no one else does. And if he doesn't want to talk to the guy himself, maybe he'll have some advice for me.

Thanks. Granted that you're hearing this through my filter, but I've received a fair bit of unprovoked feedback from other people who were there, and so far they've all said that he was being unreasonable and I was not. I think at this point I need to talk with the rabbi.

and you were far, far more appropriate with him than I would've been.

Sometimes the inner voice can release a lot of tension, saying the things you can't actually say. So long as you avoid the "did I say that out loud?" oopsies, it's all good. :-)

Oh! And cool on you for managing last-minute Torah-reading stuff. :)

Thanks! There are probably only two portions where I could have done that, so it was pure luck [1] that this week was one of them. I'm pretty happy about that, though.

[1] Or something else. :-)

*grin* Yeah...makes ya think, huh...?

During a discourse, unless questions have been previously sought, it's much more polite to listen and save any questions for later. Even if we assume that the speaker is egregiously incorrect, it's still best to wait until they're done, and approach them later. On top of that, it sounded like ranty guy wanted to do little more than kvetch without interruption.

I'm glad the day went well, otherwise. L'Shanah Tovah!

We've all dealt with guys like twit-boy above . . . I think you handled him as well as could be expected. If he ever calms down and looks at the situation, he'll realize he explained through example exactly why what you did was right, and what he did was wrong.

Just think! This is someone entrusted to mold the minds of our youth! Doesn't that give you a warm glow in.... some part of your body or another?

I suppose assassination is right out?

…

L'shana tovah to you as well!

Yeah, I think he wanted a soapbox. Part of what annoys many people about him is that during torah study -- when discussion is the norm -- he will often derail conversations with long, off-topic stories from his past. Also, according to him, he has expertise in (at least) teaching, cooking, and the military, so obviously he is well-suited to expand at length on the military and sacrificial details in the torah. He's not very good at gauging when what he wants to say will actually add to the discussion.

I can hope. There was an incident a few months ago where he threw a major hissy-fit (in front of pretty much everyone, though not the rabbi) and several people told him he was behaving inappropriately. He stormed off in a huff, and when he came back a week or two later he acted as if nothing had happened -- friendly, chatting with folks, etc. Except he doesn't seem to have learned from it (hence the repeat), so I doubt he'll learn from this one on his own either. But I think it's time to ask the rabbi to have a chat with him, and maybe that'll do some good.

I don't expect an apology; he's too proud to admit he did something wrong. But if he improves his behavior in the group, I really don't care if he continues to be rude to me personally. (Of course I'd prefer that he mend all his ways, but I'm not betting on it.)

Oh dear. I had not yet made that connection. You're right; that definitely causes a special feeling, err, somewhere.

I'm afraid assassination would be a problem; he's not a rodef [1], and judicial killing hasn't been permitted for almost two-thousand years [2]. Anything else would probably be murder. [3]

[1] A rodef is a pursuer. If someone's trying to kill you and you can't stop him any other way, you are permitted -- perhaps even required -- to use deadly force to stop him. You would not believe how astonishingly well this fits with my own sense of justice, by the way.

[2] The Sanhedrin was the last body that could authorize capital punishment within Jewish law. It was pretty rare; the rabbis put in lots of safeguards.

[3] The commandment is "do not murder", not "do not kill".

[3'] And everyone, including the prying eyes from the FBI, understands that this is a hypothetical discussion, right?

There is no way you will ever get through to this man. He didn't want to contribute to the students' education or experience, he wanted to show off his delusions of superior knowledge. From what else you describe, that "look at me" attitude flavors his behavior.

The reason it has to be the Rabbi who talks to him is that the Rabbi is that the Rabbi is likely the only one he accepts as an authority above him. The lay leader of the service, even a Chair or member of the Worship committee, doesn't have enough authority for him to listen to. He obviously believes that he knows more than you do and everyone else should learn that.

It is a toss-up whether or not he'll improve from the Rabbi's intervention or continue to act as he does when the Rabbi isn't there. You can only hope.

He didn't want to contribute to the students' education or experience, he wanted to show off his delusions of superior knowledge.

Good call. I think you're right.

His behavior can be pretty erratic. A few weeks ago, when the weekly question was something a little deeper about how we connect with God, he (characteristically) gave a very long rambling answer, and (not so characteristically) said he found people like me -- and he specifically named me -- inspirational. He was raised secular; he's coming to religion later in life. I think he was sincere when he said it -- and yet, a few weeks later, he treated me as if I was beneath him. Maybe it's a Jeckyl-and-Hyde thing, with the two beliefs never being able to co-exist. I don't know; it's not my place to really analyze the guy's wiring. It just struck me as odd.

It is a toss-up whether or not he'll improve from the Rabbi's intervention or continue to act as he does when the Rabbi isn't there. You can only hope.

I suspect that the first time he acts up and I say "I will not be spoken to in that way" within anyone else's earshot, I'll have a roomful of supporters. Perhaps at that point he will realize he can't win -- which isn't as good as a genuine change, but I'll take it.

BTW, in a pinch you can do the Torah reading from a Tikkun, without the brachot. No, it's Not The Same Thing, but it's better than nothing.

(Ask your rabbi if he agrees - I'm sure opinions vary on this.)

True; a couple times we haven't gotten a minyan and we've read from a chumash (without brachot, of course).

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mostly Shabbat (or "welcome to my rabbi's world, again")

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Authority

Re: Authority

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