shiva minyan, short takes

[cellio]

I led a shiva minyan tonight for the family of a congregant. He was 90 years old and his wife and two siblings (all comparable in age, or so I understand) are still alive. I know people are living longer than ever now, but that's still pretty impressive.

I think I've finally, without really thinking about it, derived the appropriate response to the family either thanking me or praising me: "I'm glad I could help". I mean, you don't want to say "happy to help", given the circumstances, but it feels like I need to say something.

There is a dynamic of cues, some subtle and some overt, when leading a service, to clue people in about when to read together, stand/sit, and so on. Must remember: nothing subtle applies to mourners. They're pre-occupied; do not make them expend cycles on the mechanics of prayer. The ones who pray regularly will know anyway; the ones who don't need the direction.

Must remember to ask my rabbi #1: does our congregation have any conventions about what to do after the service? Leave immediately, accept the offers of food, hang around for 5-10 minutes and then slip out? Not sure. I tend to do the last unless I actually know the family.

<geek> Must remember to ask my rabbi #2: why is there a chatzi kaddish between hashkiveinu and t'filah? I'm so used to skipping over it -- because we almost never get a minyan for weekday evening and it's not there (in Gates of Prayer, anyway) in the Shabbat evening service -- that it took me by surprise tonight in the special siddur for a house of mourning (which I've rarely used). On the one hand, as long as there are interruptions between ga'al yisrael and t'filah anyway (hashkiveinu, v'shamru on Shabbat) what's the harm?, but on the other hand, we don't generally use that as an excuse to compound problems. Hmm. My rabbi and I studied that passage in B'rachot not long ago (well, maybe we'll yet return to the thread) and the sages raised hashkiveinu but said nothing of kaddish. Later addition? </geek>

Short takes:

I don't really care about my hair turning silver -- I actually think it can look striking under the right circumstances -- but is it too much to ask my body for symmetry? Why is the right side of my head so much more melanin-challenged than the left side? One of life's little mysteries, I guess.

From cahwyguy: Google Maps is live. So far, I'm liking it a lot better than Mapquest. (Haven't given it any tough cases yet, but the directions it's given me to a couple destinations I've previously tried with MapQuest are much better.)

Comments

[goldsquare.livejournal.com]

You said: "Must remember to ask my rabbi #1: does our congregation have any conventions about what to do after the service? Leave immediately, accept the offers of food, hang around for 5-10 minutes and then slip out? Not sure. I tend to do the last unless I actually know the family."

If I may - what do you think your role should be? If it is as a semi-professional provider of liturgical services, then I would think you would finish, accept any thanks offered, and leave. If you wish to be more like a remorseful and supportive visitor, have a bite of something while standing, then leave. If you are a friend of the family, you know what to do....

That's my opinion.

[cellio]

It comes down to a question of what my role is supposed to be -- I've never asked, but I need to. (The only shiva minyanim I've attended that I didn't lead were ones where both the rabbi and I knew the families well. He stuck around a while, but that doesn't tell me what to do in the general case.)

I felt like leaving right away would be rude or make the family think they'd inconvenienced me or something. That may be more pronounced for a lay person than a professional, actually -- they might expect the pro to leave but see me more like a visitor. Dunno. On the other hand, staying and visiting would have been very awkward. I wish I were better at reading people.

Before the service I had spoken for a few minutes with the son whose house this was in. Afterwards he thanked me rather profusely for coming and leading, so I chatted with him for a few minutes about his father (well, he chatted; I listened) before I said goodbye.

[goljerp]

I've never led a shiva minyan, but have been to several in the last few years. In my shul, it is assumed that the community will provide at least ten people for a shiva minyan, so even when I didn't know the family well (or at all), there were at least a couple of people from shul whom I knew well enough to be able to shmooze with. In my community, the trend is for people to stay for at least a little while afterwards. Sometimes a family member will say something to the whole room after the minyan; sometimes people will talk in groups... but usually people stay at least 5-10 minutes after the davening. Of course, this is different at morning minyan (which I've been to less often), when people have to get off to work. Also, this is in Manhattan, and most often there are 12-20 people there, of whom only 1-5 are family members... so it's a different dynamic than a house full of family with a leader from the shul coming in.

[cellio]

In my shul, it is assumed that the community will provide at least ten people for a shiva minyan, so even when I didn't know the family well (or at all), there were at least a couple of people from shul whom I knew well enough to be able to shmooze with.

Our congregation does its best to make sure there will be a minyan, but if the family is large enough then people usually only go if they have some connection to the family. I once went to a shiva minyan where the family was very small and the people from the congregation outnumbered the mourners, but that was the exception.

Of course, this is different at morning minyan (which I've been to less often), when people have to get off to work.

Good point. I've never been to a morning shiva minyan.

so it's a different dynamic than a house full of family with a leader from the shul coming in.

That's got to be a little weird for the family, I would think. I hope it's a long time before I'm in that position, of course, but I currently suspect that, if I needed to hold a shiva minyan and neither my rabbi nor someone I already know from shul were available, I'd rather just lead it myself than have a stranger come in for that purpose. But maybe I'm weird. (And yes, I know that I wouldn't be halachically allowed to lead; I'm talking about feelings, not proposed actions.)