"will you do me a favor?": blank checks, trust, and expectations

[cellio]

siderea recently posted about an exchange where someone said "do me a favor?" and she said "yes". This prompted a discussion about the usual responses to that question.

There are a very few people to whom I will respond "yes". There is a much larger set of people to whom my response is typically "probably!" (i.e. tell me more), with a smile. Farther out, there is the "that depends -- what is it?" response.

Another commenter challenged me on this, suggesting that it may be better to say "yes" by default and filter out the people who turn out to try to abuse your good nature. I can see that point, but I have trouble taking that approach. I find it difficult to disappoint people, and saying "yes" and then finding out the favor is something I can't do for whatever reason forces me to recant. Ok, not really -- a request for a favor always carries an implicit "if you can" -- but that's how it feels to me. If I say I'll do something, I feel obligated to do it. And thus, I am reluctant to hand out blank checks.

While there is certainly a trust issue, this is not just about trusting (or not trusting) the other person. Friends whom I trust have at times made what seemed to them to be perfectly reasonable requests for favors. But, sometimes, there's something about me that makes it difficult for me to grant the favor. People might observe that I drive at night but not know that I am very particular about the circumstances under which I do it, so they don't know that picking someone up at the airport at 9pm poses a real difficulty for me. People might see my writing and conclude that I'm articulate (well, maybe not based on this entry :-) ), but not know that I'm somewhat terrified of most public speaking and would really rather not give a speech to their community group. Stuff like that. Sure, trusting the person is a factor, but so are all these other things.

There are, as I said, a few people to whom I'll say "yes". These are certainly people I trust to not take advantage, but they are also people I know well enough that they probably know all the relevant limitations. I could be wrong about that, and if so we'd discuss it and the asker -- being someone close to me -- would probably withdraw the request on the spot. But for the most part, it doesn't seem to come up.

(Who's on the list? Not telling. I also don't always know precisely myself until I find the "yes" coming out automatically.)

For everyone else, I guess I just prefer to build toward "automatic yes" through the "probably" path, rather than defaulting to "yes" and having to disappoint more people. Maybe it's all about setting expectations; if I say "probably" or "maybe" the asker doesn't expect an automatic "yes", so he's less disappointed if I say "no".

Comments

[xiphias.livejournal.com]

I never say "yes" to "do me a favor?" My response is, "What is it?" Because if I say "yes," then I'm obligated to do it. Otherwise, I'm forsworn.

Not a good thing.

[matsujo9.livejournal.com]

I actually have similar filters: "Yes", "I can try" and, like you, "That depends".

[ralphmelton.livejournal.com]

I answer "will you do me a favor?" with "what would you like me to do?" almost always.

In my case, I think the major reason is that I'm extremely literal, and if I said "yes", it would be a blank check--and I don't want to give out blank checks.

[dvarin.livejournal.com]

I often will respond to "See you tomorrow!" with "Probably!". Maybe you just have an aversion to certainty? :)

[cafemusique.livejournal.com]

I'm another that won't answer Yes to that question...partly because there's so much emotional junk that got in my way for so long...Also, because the one person I might trust enough to risk saying Yes rather frequently asks if I'll do something (understandable, since many of them are job-related), and sometimes they are too much...but I'm comfortable enough to stand up to them and say "No, I can't."

Plus, there's probably residual from living with three brothers and one sister...now THAT'S an environment to learn never to agree to something before you know the details!

[goljerp]

Hmm...

Like several other people, I usually respond to "will you do me a favor?" with "what is it?". I haven't really analyzed why, though. I think it's a similar, although not identical reason to those who've already responded. If I agree to do someone a favor, I'm agreeing to do something which may include some amount of bother for me... after all, if it wasn't a bother, it wouldn't be a favor. But sometimes I feel lazy, or the favor is more bother than I have time/energy for at the moment. Also, once I agree to do a favor, it's not totally unconditional - I'd expect to be able to say to the person, "You know, I thought getting your needle out of your haystack would be easy, since I've got a big magnet, but I just now realized that it's a plastic knitting needle you're looking for, and I've spent six hours searching by hand but I really have to go home to sleep now", and the person ought to understand. In other words, it's a favor, not a lifelong promise; it's an obligation that can be broken - not broken lightly, or carelessly, or without a reasonable attempt to communicate with the person - but still broken. Not that I get into the situation of backing out often -- I pre-screen to avoid this -- but in my mind it's still there, even if I rarely (never?) use it.

[sethg]

I am halfway through reading Atlas Shrugged. Perhaps I will finish reading the other half by the time civilization grinds to a halt. Or perhaps I will just use the book for kindling. In any case, when I saw this entry about doing favors, I imagined a jovial, handsome, self-confident man earnestly telling me, "Do not do favors for people! Do not let their needs be a claim on the power of your mind!" And I wanted to smack him. Maybe even knock his teeth out and throw him in a gulag somewhere.

[dr-zrfq.livejournal.com]

Like many, I rarely just say "yes" without reservation. What if the favor turns out to be something it is not possible for me to do? So I'll generally respond with "Whatcha need?" or something similar; I gotta get more information before I can decide if it's feasible.

[sue-n-julia.livejournal.com]

I'm definitely of the "What is it?" group. Not that I don't like helping my friends, but who wants to say yes, only to have to disappoint someone?

S