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more about Steve
Thank you everyone for the condolences.
I went to the funeral today. It was packed! There was no real mingle-space; it was go in, sit down, wait for service. So I didn't get a good sense of who all the people were -- many coworkers, probably some colleagues from CMU and maybe elsewhere, and of course family. Oh, and I assume some people from the congregation, though I didn't spot anyone I knew.
My rabbi gave a really good eulogy, blending the many aspects of Steve's life. Ok, I've never heard him give a eulogy before so I have no baseline, but it sounded good to me. (This was my first Jewish funeral, too.)
The burial was private, but my company had arranged to take over the back room of a nearby restaurant so we could spend some time together. I didn't realize until I was leaving that we'd spilled over into a second room, which would explain the apparent absence of people I'd expected to see there.
Steve's Hebrew name was Tzadik. It fits.
I went to tonight's shiva minyan and it, too, was packed. We ended up holding it out on the porch because of geometry and weather. I wonder if the first night will have been abnormally large or if it'll be that big every night. (I've seen this go both ways.)
I held up well through all of this. I think I've gotten past the first couple stages. What's supposed to come after denial and anger? I think I've made it to acceptance, actually; I mean, it sucks and things are going to be rough, but he's gone and there's nothing to be done about that.
I think part of why this hit me kind of hard was the timing. Two of my grandparents died long before I ever thought about Judaism, so while I mark the yahrzeits of the other two on their proper dates, it wasn't clear what to do about the first two. One of them, as it turns out, died three days (on the Hebrew calendar) before one of the later ones, so I just lump them together. That left my paternal grandfather, who died when I was a young child. I don't know a date (I suppose I could research that), but I ended up deciding to just observe his on Shavuot, one of the four yizkor occasions and probably the closest to when he died. (It was definitely late spring; I remember it being almost the end of the school year.)
My grandfather died when he was 50, of a heart attack, in his sleep -- completely out of the blue. Wham. Pretty much just like Steve. (Well, they don't know what killed Steve yet, but given the circumstances it's got to be something like a heart attack or stroke.) So there I was, on a day when I was already paying more attention than usual to memories of my granfather, and something very similar happens to someone else I'm reasonably close to.
Now that I've identified the probable source for the strong emotions I was feeling yesterday, they're gone.
I went to the funeral today. It was packed! There was no real mingle-space; it was go in, sit down, wait for service. So I didn't get a good sense of who all the people were -- many coworkers, probably some colleagues from CMU and maybe elsewhere, and of course family. Oh, and I assume some people from the congregation, though I didn't spot anyone I knew.
My rabbi gave a really good eulogy, blending the many aspects of Steve's life. Ok, I've never heard him give a eulogy before so I have no baseline, but it sounded good to me. (This was my first Jewish funeral, too.)
The burial was private, but my company had arranged to take over the back room of a nearby restaurant so we could spend some time together. I didn't realize until I was leaving that we'd spilled over into a second room, which would explain the apparent absence of people I'd expected to see there.
Steve's Hebrew name was Tzadik. It fits.
I went to tonight's shiva minyan and it, too, was packed. We ended up holding it out on the porch because of geometry and weather. I wonder if the first night will have been abnormally large or if it'll be that big every night. (I've seen this go both ways.)
I held up well through all of this. I think I've gotten past the first couple stages. What's supposed to come after denial and anger? I think I've made it to acceptance, actually; I mean, it sucks and things are going to be rough, but he's gone and there's nothing to be done about that.
I think part of why this hit me kind of hard was the timing. Two of my grandparents died long before I ever thought about Judaism, so while I mark the yahrzeits of the other two on their proper dates, it wasn't clear what to do about the first two. One of them, as it turns out, died three days (on the Hebrew calendar) before one of the later ones, so I just lump them together. That left my paternal grandfather, who died when I was a young child. I don't know a date (I suppose I could research that), but I ended up deciding to just observe his on Shavuot, one of the four yizkor occasions and probably the closest to when he died. (It was definitely late spring; I remember it being almost the end of the school year.)
My grandfather died when he was 50, of a heart attack, in his sleep -- completely out of the blue. Wham. Pretty much just like Steve. (Well, they don't know what killed Steve yet, but given the circumstances it's got to be something like a heart attack or stroke.) So there I was, on a day when I was already paying more attention than usual to memories of my granfather, and something very similar happens to someone else I'm reasonably close to.
Now that I've identified the probable source for the strong emotions I was feeling yesterday, they're gone.
no subject
My rabbi taught me that the halacha is that you mourn for parents, siblings [1], spouse, and children. However, he also pointed out that mourning is for the living more than for the dead (particularly with yahrzeit observance), so people should do what brings them comfort.
In my case, of course, there's the extra complication that my grandparents weren't Jewish. The compromise I reached after discussion with my rabbi is this: private observance (lighting the candle) is fine for all of them; public observance (reading the name on the list at services) is fine for the two who died recently. When the time comes (I hope not soon!) I intend to sit shiva for my parents.
[1] Traditionally, one mourns an unmarried sister but not a married one. (I don't know about widows and divorcees.) I find this offensive and I assume my rabbi does as well.
no subject
Like you, I've got the "grandparents weren't Jewish" complication -- on one side of the family (maternal), anyway. Our synagogue where I grew up did read my maternal grandfather's name during yahrzeit observance, FWIW, so I can state at least one precedent.
no subject
no subject
I didn't see anything in the course of looking this up to suggest that one can't say kaddish for other relatives; this is just the list of who you are obligated to mourn.
sisters
*note: the actual rule is he's not supposed to become tameh and isn't the same as "no mourning allowed" in a more general sense; I don't know whether it includes sitting shiva.