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family visit
We're going to Toronto this weekend to visit Dani's relatives and, more specifically, attend a birthday party for his mother. I'm going to go back to the congregation I visited over Pesach (Beit HaMinyan) because they seemed friendly. Their web site mentions a "lunch and learn" for this Saturday, but no one answered the email I sent them about it so I don't know if it's "advance reservations and real food" or "kiddush++ and everyone's welcome". So I'll wing it.
I like Dani's mother (and his sister, with whom we'll be staying). One thing I don't care for that seems to be a family habit is their style of "party games". For example, the first time I attended their seder I was told -- with no advance warning -- that I had to sing a song. I don't know any Hebrew songs, I said; they said sing anything, and they suggested I sing something I sing with On the Mark. Later I realized just how unusual and inappropriate that was, but at the time what did I know from seders? (I'd been to some and never seen this, but to enough that I knew singing in some fashion was normal.) Other gatherings have involved treasure hunts or going around the room answering some question. While this sort of thing is fine in some contexts (most notably, my Shabbat morning minyan -- where passing on the question is also always an option!), I don't really like this sort of thing at family gatherings. At least not when there are outsiders present.
The invitation to this party includes the following instruction: "bring a saying or two that you used to hear when you were growing up". On the face of it that doesn't seem outrageous, but I find I'm resenting it a little anyway. I don't know what this is going to turn into, but I'd rather not play. And I can't tell whether that will offend my mother-in-law (whose party this is), or if this is something her daughter thought up and she doesn't care one way or the other. I guess I'll try to tease that out before the party Saturday night.
It doesn't help that no obvious candidates come to mind. My family didn't really run to trite sayings when I was growing up, or if we did they didn't stick. I suppose I could make something up, but my MIL is in regular contact with my parents and it would come out eventually.
It's such a stupid little thing. It doesn't matter and I shouldn't feel imposed upon. But I do.
I like Dani's mother (and his sister, with whom we'll be staying). One thing I don't care for that seems to be a family habit is their style of "party games". For example, the first time I attended their seder I was told -- with no advance warning -- that I had to sing a song. I don't know any Hebrew songs, I said; they said sing anything, and they suggested I sing something I sing with On the Mark. Later I realized just how unusual and inappropriate that was, but at the time what did I know from seders? (I'd been to some and never seen this, but to enough that I knew singing in some fashion was normal.) Other gatherings have involved treasure hunts or going around the room answering some question. While this sort of thing is fine in some contexts (most notably, my Shabbat morning minyan -- where passing on the question is also always an option!), I don't really like this sort of thing at family gatherings. At least not when there are outsiders present.
The invitation to this party includes the following instruction: "bring a saying or two that you used to hear when you were growing up". On the face of it that doesn't seem outrageous, but I find I'm resenting it a little anyway. I don't know what this is going to turn into, but I'd rather not play. And I can't tell whether that will offend my mother-in-law (whose party this is), or if this is something her daughter thought up and she doesn't care one way or the other. I guess I'll try to tease that out before the party Saturday night.
It doesn't help that no obvious candidates come to mind. My family didn't really run to trite sayings when I was growing up, or if we did they didn't stick. I suppose I could make something up, but my MIL is in regular contact with my parents and it would come out eventually.
It's such a stupid little thing. It doesn't matter and I shouldn't feel imposed upon. But I do.
Welcome!!
(Anonymous) 2005-11-11 12:50 am (UTC)(link)I'm interested in the fact that this family is so oriented around game playing. Maybe I'm not experienced enough to know what many people do at family gatherings, but it does seem like the mark of a very pre-meditated social gathering.
How does it make you feel being invited to play a part in pre-meditated activities with the in-laws? (did i make the right assumption there?)
Does it bring up feelings of Insider vs. Outsider? In-the-know vs. Out-of-the-loop? Privacy vs. Public disclosure?
If I were in that situation I think I would feel awkward. I'm the type of person who prefers honest to goodness interaction over any type of pretenses or formalities.
How well can a person ever really know their in-laws (or in my case, my sister-in-law), and how important is it?
Things to ponder :)
- Inkhorn
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Eventually, we may relocate there.
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Re: Welcome!!
Thanks. I'm sorry the timing will preclude meeting folks up there.
How does it make you feel being invited to play a part in pre-meditated activities with the in-laws? (did i make the right assumption there?)
I don't know how much of the discomfort comes from "premeditated", versus "insider/outsider", versus "foreign customs". The insider/outsider thing is a big part of it, certainly; I'm willing to do goofy or silly or somewhat-invasive things with groups of good friends that I wouldn't do with strangers, for instance. The insider/outsider thing isn't just about whether I'm the outsider, by the way; if my family had a tradition of such things I would be uncomfortable if they did it at gatherings with Dani because he would be the outsider. I might be over-sensitive to such things; there have been a number of times where my differing social groups (e.g. coworkers, SCA, synagogue, LJ) came together and some of them insisted on taking the conversation in areas that excluded those not from their own group. (I hate it when SCA friends go off about, say, SCA politics when non-SCA people are present. Too many SCA people lack this basic social sensitivity, too.)
Err, where was I? Ah, right -- context. A group of friends sharing an interest, or a close family, can do things "internally" that it doesn't make sense to do for a wider group. It's a mistake to assume that the "outsiders" who are present are really insiders. Any family event involving in-laws is going to create that kind of situation because whatever's happening is rooted in somebody's family going back to childhood but not everyone's.
I should clarify that I like these in-laws. But that doesn't mean we're really really close or that we have a shared background. They think these games are perfectly natural; I see them as putting me on the spot. They don't intend to put me on the spot; I think they honestly cannot see or understand how this could have that effect. Therefore, they will probably see me as an uncooperative stick-in-the-mud who's unwilling to loosen up and have a little fun. I'd be happy to have fun, but this isn't it.
I'm the type of person who prefers honest to goodness interaction over any type of pretenses or formalities.
Me too.
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We are already going up there for a weekend; that alone is an imposition. It's an acceptable one (I like these people), but road trips have prices (opportunity cost, hassle, etc) and so it's still some amount of imposition. On top of that, there is the imposition of an un-fun activity at the party.
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"Red sky at night, sailors' delight; red in the morning, sailors take warning." (You'd have thought my mother was the Navy vet, not Dad.)
"Janie Janie strong and able, keep your elbows off the table."
If the leaves are showing their backs, it's going to rain.
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*giggle* Thanks!
The first one I've heard a lot (though with the clauses reversed). The second and third are completely new to me. Odd how these things work!
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Which they wouldn't, because they at least know I'd be fairly likely to simply leave the table instead.
Telling me I _had_ to sing a song? Ehrm. No thank you.
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Not that I'd necessarily _recommend_ that one, mind you.
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So where is the line between "saying" and "nag" (or perhaps "rebuke"), anyway? :-)
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Of course, it wasn't presented as "you vill sing for your supper, outsider!" or anything like that, but it was a pretty clear expectation.
They don't do that any more, by the way -- or at least I haven't seen it in the last few years. I'm not sure what changed.
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Dunno. Depends on your inlaws and what they mean by "a saying." Could be that a saying is like "Step on a crack, break your mother's back," or a nursery rhyme, or a platitude worthy of a decorating plaque like "May the road rise to meet you," or an oft-quoted book or dramatic line "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
If you're feeling cautious, take a variety and wait to see what the others in the game have to offer, then give something in the same mood.
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Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
Or maybe "Una nota super La Semper est canendum Fa"? (If all else fails, there's always "Don't do that or you'll go blind!" :-D)
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Two I can think of are "It's the laws of the Medes and the Persians" which meant, that's how it is, no argument, no negotiation - I've just Googled it, and it's from Esther, which makes sense, since that was a favourite of my father's. (Another of his lines was "The price of a good woman is above rubies". My mother, whose name was Ruby, never thought this was funny).
Another saying was: "Visitors! Add another pint of water to the stew..."
If any of these feels like a good fit, help yourself. And I hope the weekend is more relaxed than you anticipate.
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My mother's version of that was "Mabel, Mabel, if you're able/Keep your elbows of the table."
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OK, it's not quite "most passive-aggressive of the year", but it gets honorable mention for sheer style.
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It's probably just as well. She swears like a sailor. If there were something else I could remember, it would probably be unpri--
Oh, wait! "Aleph, bet, gimmel, dullet; you've got a head that's really solid!" Not that she said it to us, she was just passing along her favorite school-yard ammo.