"private" versus community bar-mitzvah services

[cellio]

Judging by the traffic on relevant mailing lists, lots of Reform congregations have the problem of families expecting to "own" the service at which their kid is bar or bat mitzvah. ("Own" means the kid does most of the service, family members get all or nearly all of the honors, the parents stand up and kvell about the kid for several minutes, and so on.) The topic came up again this week, with someone asserting that we have to make kids feel welcome and this "cannot be done" by a service not owned by the family.

I find myself wanting to write about this from time to time, so I'm recording my response to that message:

If we are to embrace and welcome the students as they attain their next level into adulthood and make them feel wanted, we must support them in their studies and praise them for their accomplishments. This cannot be done by 'community owned' services.

It can be and is done. I have been to services in several congregations where a bar or bat mitzvah was an integrated part of a community service, with the family neither "owning" the service nor being sidelined. It can work. I have only seen this once in a Reform congregation (Holy Blossom in Toronto); it is the norm in Orthodox and many Conservative congregations, and it worked beautifully the one time I saw it at Shir Chadash (traditional egalitarian) in Jerusalem.

The problem is the following vicuious cycle: families in the "it's all about me" generations in America demand ownership and won't participate in a community service, they get this, as a result the community doesn't come to the "private" service, and so more families feel justified in this expectation ("they don't come anyway"). This is made worse by the fact that most of our members don't see our congregations as important communities; I see much more of a "consumer" attitude. If you're part of a community then of course you want to celebrate your milestones together; if you see the synagogue as the place where you buy services such as a bar mitzvah, you're less likely to be interested in what the community wants or needs. I'm not pointing fingers; this is just how it looks from here in the pew, from someone who's there pretty much every week and sees who does and doesn't come regularly.

I don't know how you stomp out the "private bar mitzvah" once it's present; congregations that have never let it take root do not seem to have a problem with b'nei mitzvah feeling, and being, welcomed into the community. And I sure don't know how we fix the broader problem of community engagement.

Comments

[cahwyguy.livejournal.com]

As someone who has a daughter with a Bat Mitzvah upcoming, let me add my perspective.

I think part of it depends on whether the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is at a regularly scheduled service or not. If not, there is more the perception that this is a private service. Let me give a concrete example (in which all congregations are Reform).

At our prior congregation, there was a regular Saturday MORNING service. I recall that in that service, the aliyot were shared, although the B/B Mitzvah family got the majority.

In our current congregation, there is rarely a Saturday service. The congregation doesn't even put the details of the service in the bulletin, other than "Bar Mitzvah of Dubaldie Fritz". They also give the family the sheet to allocate the aliyot (all 7), which creates the impression of a "private" B/B mitzvah. [Of course, for myself, I would love for them to advertise our Bat Mitzvah service, if only to publish in the bulletin that neither the congregational rabbi nor the congregational cantor will be officiating at the service for our daughter, as they had other things to do).

I think it is even worse for the popular evening B/B mitzvah services, for Reform congregations rarely have evening services. Those are truly considered private affairs. I really don't like evening services (plus they tend to shorten the time a social hall is available for the morning's celebrant, forcing folks off-site).

As for how to change it? You have to infiltrate religious practices and make the service a regular congregational service. Mandate that the child attend it regularly for some period (3 months? 6 months) before their service. Have a particular number of aliyot reserved for congregational use at each service.

[cellio]

As someone who has a daughter with a Bat Mitzvah upcoming, let me add my perspective.

Yeah, I've been following your exploits. It sounds like you have the misfortune to be a community-oriented family in a consumer-oriented congregation. :-(

I think part of it depends on whether the Bar/Bat Mitzvah is at a regularly scheduled service or not. If not, there is more the perception that this is a private service.

Indeed. We have our 10:30 Shabbat morning service only if there is a bar or bat mitzvah (which, to be fair, is about 75% of the time). We have the informal, partly-lay-led service at 9:00 every week. So the 10:30 service tends to be the family show. However, we also read torah Friday nights at our regular community service and, a few times a year, there will be a bar or bat mitzvah at that service. And the families behave the same way as they do at the 10:30 morning service, except we only do 3 aliyot and not 7 and the rabbi encourages them to keep the parental kvell short (which some blow off; I've seen kvells that run 10 minutes, which is at least 8 minutes too long).

It seems to me that that Friday service is our opportunity to change things. Some families view a Friday-night bar mitzvah as a booby prize (though we never assign it, so they asked). We need to change that perception; a Friday-night bar mitzvah, when you have the whole community there, should be an honor. We should take the families that "get it", the ones who understand that this is a community and not Egoboos R Us, and ask them to celebrate their b'nei mitzvah on Friday nights with the community to model the desired behavior. Maybe, over the course of a decade or two, we could effect a change in attitudes.

I think it is even worse for the popular evening B/B mitzvah services, for Reform congregations rarely have evening services.

Are you talking about the so-called "havdalah bar mitzvah"? I've never seen one of those, because my rabbi (rightly, IMO) refuses to do those. He will only conduct a bar mitzvah at a time when we normally have services. (I have to wonder -- what do they do at these services? Do mincha so the kid can read torah and then end Shabbat early, or what?)

(There is one exception to this "only when services are normally held" rule. We had a kid within the last year who is severely retarded (or some other condition that produces similar outward effects). This kid does not have the capacity to read torah or even have an aliya, and probably does not understand the significance of any of this. Saying the Sh'ma (just the Sh'ma, not v'ahavta etc) is a stretch for him. So my rabbi arranged to hold a short service on a Sunday morning where the centerpiece was the kid's Sh'ma, so the family could have a special day. This was an act of compassion, not a flaunting of our own rules, in my opinion.)

[cahwyguy.livejournal.com]

At our congregation, the Friday Bar Mitzvah is rare. It is usually Saturday morning, or Saturday evening starting at 5pm (supposedly before sundown). This could be a rabbinical preference; it could also be bowing to the desired of the family who prefer that time. I'd prefer it if it was done *only* if the morning slot was full.