Shabbat evening
Feb. 10th, 2008 07:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cellioThere were obviously some special circumstances in the family. I don't know what they were and I'm certainly not going to pry, but the boy's parents did not participate in the service (I don't know if they were present, nor am I certain they're alive). The boy, in his d'var torah, said something to the effect that a bar mitzvah was not at all a sure thing for him; he didn't know if he'd be allowed to have such a ceremony. (You are, of course, bar or bat mitzvah even without the ceremony, but few people use this language precisely. Just clarifying.) I don't know what that means; as I said, I don't know the family situation.
The boy led about as much of the service as I expected; he seemed to struggle in a few places, but he also seemed basically competent so I think it was nerves, not (say) a disability. He read three verses of torah, which is the minimum; some kids do more but not all. He did not read haftarah, and I'd love to know whether that was something about the circumstances or new policy. I'd love for it to be new policy for the Friday service, where we do not read haftarah on other nights. The meme should be that you fit a bar mitzvah into the existing service, not that you re-arrange the community's service completely to accommodate a desire to give the kid spotlight time. (We do read haftarah on Shabbat morning.)
There were three aliyot, which is the rabbi's compromise between our Friday norm of one and the Shabbat-morning norm of seven. On Saturday mornings, one of the issues that keep it from being a community service is that the family grabs all seven of those aliyot; if you're a regular congregant who just happens to go to the bar-mitzvah service, it's pretty clear you are aren't really considered part of the congregation there, which I feel is quite rude and contrary to what Shabbat is about. (It's not just that, of course; it's the whole beauty-pageant aspect of that service. I've written about this before.)
So, back to Friday night: I don't know if this was family circumstances or an attempt to be more open, but one of those three aliyot was given to someone who is not in the family. He might be a family friend; I wouldn't know. But he's, y'know, someone I've seen at services before, someone who's a member of our congregation. I've heard of him. That was nice.
The boy began his speech by saying "I'd like to thank everyone for coming". And then he gave his d'var, which did not include the phrase "my torah portion is $name, which is about...". That was refreshing. No tedious "and I'd like to thank Aunt Irma for baby-sitting me when I was four" etc, and he spent most of his time actually saying something. And it was something worth hearing. I'd like to thank whoever gave him that clue. (I complimented him Friday night at the oneg, but of course many people were trying to greet him so we didn't talk.)
One of the standard parts of our bar-mitzvah service that I've been hoping for years to kill is the "parental greeting", aka "long-winded kvell not accessible to the congregation". (Because, you know, we should really care deeply that he excelled on the swim team in middle school, or whatever.) I thought we might skip that this time, given the lack of parents, but the boy's grandmother was playing the parental role in the ceremony, and at the appointed time the rabbi invited her up. Sigh, I thought. And she said, roughly, "I'm very proud of you", hugged him, and sat down. Excellent. I'm assuming that this is extreme clue on the part of that grandmother rather than new dictate, but I'd love to be wrong. (In case you're wondering, the rabbi always addresses the bar mitzvah in a way that is both personalized and relevant to the congregation. So it's not like the service is devoid of individual acknowledgement. Therefore I think the parents should not get their own speech. It's not needed and they tend to do it badly.)
All in all, the right things happened at this service. If that was intentional rather than accidental, this service can serve as a model for other families that do their celebrations on Friday nights. And even if it was an accident, I hope we can find a way to make it a model for other families anyway. It was much more effective than the norm; the inclusion of a bar mitzvah did not alienate the congregation the way it usually does. It's a pity if it took special circumstances to make that happen, but it would be more of a pity if our congregation doesn't learn anything from the experience.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-11 03:20 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-11 04:09 am (UTC)Of course, some families with kids of the right age do come regularly, and it's always refreshing when one of those kids is bar or bat mitzvah. It's a pity that this isn't the usual case, and that so many people see a synagogue as a place where you purchase services such as your kid's bar-mitzvah ceremony.
Your various entries on this have made me think back...
Date: 2008-02-12 01:10 am (UTC)I've been considering my friend Susan D's bat mitzvah (well, it was 40 years ago...), and dug out the little booklets they handed out. (I think half the attendees were her friends from other congregations and goyim like me -- so I don't know if a program is normal.)
Susan's was on Friday night at the reform synagogue, and our friend Sarah K's was on Sabbath morning at the conservative. From looking at the two programs, my recollection of time and extravagance is correct. Susan's was intimate and short. Before the ceremony there was a short "orientation" by some man from the congregation for those of us who were visitors about what was happening and the symbolism. I really appreciated that, and I know my mother did. (I went to schul with Susan almost every other Friday, so I knew more of the text, and this was the year when there was a bas/bat mitzvah for some friend or other nearly every weekend...)(Susan's grandparent's called it schul, so we all did, too.)
Susan's mother did a little speech, but in it she said something that surprised me (I wrote it on the pamphlet). She said that Susan's grandmother and grandfather had been big influences in Susan's spiritual life, and that she envied Susan her deeper understanding of her faith. She said something else, but it was short, and I don't remember what it was.
The reception afterward was pleasant and fun; Susan's mom had bought my favorite cookies, little sugar-cookie flowers with a Blue center of almond frosting. It was held downstairs; there was a lot of laughter and food and some traditional dances, and then many of us adjourned to Susan's house where there was more of food and fun.
Even though Sarah was a dear friend, too, and I spent almost as much time in her house as I did with Susan, I remember almost nothing about Sarah's ceremony. It was at the big Conservative congregation downtown. Even though the sanctuary was no bigger than the one the night before, and there were black-out curtains on the windows so it, too, was gleaming with candlelight, it was terribly long-winded. About the only thing I can remember is that Susan's mother went on and on about her experience during World War II (not in a concentration camp, but her mother was a "servant" to a German officer in Italy), and how she never thought she'd live to see a child come of age.
The reception was a the country club. The food was more posh, but I remember nothing much about that party, except that Sarah's mom remembered the cookies, too. (What self-centered children we are at age 13!!)
Amusingly enough, Sarah married a rabbi, and Susan married a Baptist, but Chip goes to temple with Susan almost every week. She goes to the Unitarian service with him on Sunday nights about once a month (he promised his mother, apparently ;-) ).
Since they had no children, I doubt they had a service for the dogs. Susan did tell me that she got an invitation to Sarah's son's. It's rather a long hike from NC to Chicago, so she sent a gift, instead.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-12 02:52 am (UTC)My rabbi also speaks about the bar or bat mitzvah, and has the skill to speak both individually to the kid and to the whole congregation. He's very good at it. I think this fulfills the need to say something special about the kid, and that the parents should save theirs for the party (where they are free to go on at length, because everyone there wants to be there). But I think we should take away their speech on the bimah. (They are involved in the ceremony in other ways, so it's not like that's their one shot.)
The best ones, though, are the ones that are a spiritual exprience rather than a stage show.
Amein. That's the minority in my experience, but it's great when it happens. Those are the kids who get it.
Re: Your various entries on this have made me think back...
Date: 2008-02-12 05:01 am (UTC)Re: Your various entries on this have made me think back...
Date: 2008-02-12 05:59 am (UTC)Again, my apologies. In retrospect, I just rambled on too far.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-02-12 08:24 am (UTC)Re: Your various entries on this have made me think back...
Date: 2008-02-13 01:48 am (UTC)Too many people go way overboard on the fancy party. Honestly, some of them probably spend as much as they'll eventually spend on the wedding. All that waste... sigh.
Re: Your various entries on this have made me think back...
Date: 2008-02-13 02:33 am (UTC)Re: Your various entries on this have made me think back...
Date: 2008-02-13 02:39 am (UTC)Sarah's mother went on and on.
Re: Your various entries on this have made me think back...
Date: 2008-02-13 02:46 am (UTC)I just remembered(rambling a bit) that the closest Kosher butcher/groceries were 125 miles away (I remember helping drive to the store and loading frozen food into coolers). It was interesting in Susan's family -- her paternal grandparents lived in the "mother-in-law" quarters downstairs and kept kosher, which Susan's family in general did not. Her grandmother threw a fork I'd used on a plate with cheese and then fish out the window at one Seder...
By the way -- do you want a copy of an Ashkenazi Haggadah? A deceased friend of mine's library is being sold to help support the kids, and this is one of the books in it...
haggadah
Date: 2008-02-14 12:34 am (UTC)Re: Your various entries on this have made me think back...
Date: 2008-02-14 12:37 am (UTC)Re: haggadah
Date: 2008-02-14 03:32 am (UTC)Re: Your various entries on this have made me think back...
Date: 2008-02-14 03:33 am (UTC)