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interviewed by Zahava
1) How do you define tzniut in your life?
(Tzniut = modesty, for my readers who don't know.)
I consider tzniut to be about attitude more than physical aspects. It is not calling undue attention to myself; this is more about behavior than appearance, and is something I find challenging at times. (As for the physical... let's face it: I'm not going to distract random men on the street, y'know?)
But there is also a physical aspect. I don't accept the core reason for the laws of tzniut, that women must go out of their way to cover themselves because men are too weak to avoid sin. In all other areas we are held accountable for our own actions; men who have that problem should learn to do better. (Yes, I'm mindful of not placing a stumbling-block before the blind; I think some of this goes way beyond that.) But anyway... while I don't accept the reasoning of the rabbis who expounded on these laws, I nonetheless feel that private bits aren't for public view -- by either gender, really. I'm not comfortable in a swimming suit (and did not go into the dead sea when we were there, as a result), and I'm not comfortable in skimpy clothing like haltar tops and sleeveless dresses. I don't feel bound to cover hair, elbows, collarbone, etc.
When we were planning the wedding it turned out to be quite challenging to find a wedding dress I was willing to wear. Strapless was in at the time; so was low cleavage. I eventually found a dress with full-length sleeves; it was lower-cut than I wanted but close enough that I didn't try to alter it.
2) What do you think has contributed to your successful partnership with
a secular person?
We give each other space. He doesn't interfere in my religion and I don't make him do stuff. Yes, he has limitations (e.g. in our kitchen), but any marriage is going to involve accepting limitations.
It also matters that we are very, very compatible otherise. Were I doing it over I don't think I would date a secular person, but because we already knew each other quite well, we both thought this could work.
There are certainly challenges, more often due to his family than to him. Pesach sedarim are stressful, for instance, and this year we are discussing what changes his family is willing to make versus what ripples will be caused if I go elsewhere. (Yes, they're secular but feel attached to sedarim. But they don't feel so attached to the traditional content.)
3) What impression or experience from your own Israel trip remains
strongest?
Perhaps ironically, because it wasn't a formal part of the tour, but I think I'd have to say it was the Shabbat-afternoon walk my rabbi and I took through the streets of Jerusalem. We talked about a lot of stuff that I'm not going to repeat here, and he was clearly enjoying showing me "his city". He also seemed happy and relaxed, away from the responsibility of leading a tour group, and it was a really pleasant experience for me. (That morning we had gone to Shira Chadisha, an egalitarian Orthodox congregation; we were the only ones from the group who did.)
Other moments that stood out: an older black-hatter walking past me at the kotel and saying "welcome home" (I had said nothing; I didn't think he would talk to me); asking someone for directions in Ts'fat and going around a few times before she asked "do you speak English?" (language failure; I hadn't anticipated needing to know "steps"); walking through Ein Gedi; meeting local friends (hey! I have friends here!).
4) Who was your favorite teacher? (Not their name, but what role they
had in your life)
Well, aside from my rabbi...
My tenth-grade English teacher, who was smart, straight-talking, a little sarcastic, and a friend as well as a teacher. He was also in charge of the school plays, which I was involved with every year, so I got to know him a little more through that venue. He was willing to challenge individual students and not just follow a routine; he seemed to genuinely treat as adults those of us who were willing to act as adults. At that age, that's huge.
5) 5+ things you like that start with the letter N
Niggunim (wordless songs), nature (at least to look at), numbers, the net (ok, cheating there), night-time, nigri sushi, navel-gazing.
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We were fortunate in that Lis's mother is a seamstress, who, at the time, was specializing in bridal gowns.
Even so, we had some conflicts: Lis felt that she wanted to be more covered-up for the religious part than the party afterward.
What her mother designed was a veil/train that was actually a cloak -- it had a train, and a hood which came down as a veil, and also came across the front, covering the collarbones, with longer sleeves, and finishing the coverage of the shoulders.
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