shiva and food

[cellio]

Some things are not part of the formal Jewish learning process. I understand how to behave at a shiva house (house of mourning), and I've puzzeled out some of the rest by observation, but I'm curious: what typically happens with food? There are a couple facets to this (and I am blessed to not have first-hand knowledge yet).

The community generally provides meals for the family so they don't have to cook during that week. Sometimes there seems to be someone coordinating ("can you do Thursday?"), but either this is usually not the case or those people rarely call me. Assuming no one has yet emerged in this role, the behavior I've learned is to show up with something that can be reheated (and is freezer-safe) and hand it to whoever seems to be in charge. Correct?

(When there is someone in the coordinator role, how does that come about? Does the family ask someone? Does someone volunteer to the family? Does someone step up but work through the community or synagogue?)

The other facet is refreshments. This might be a function of the liberal Jewish community (the only one in which I've attended shiva minyanim), but it is almost always the case that the family has put out a spread -- cookies, cakes, fruit, and sometimes more-substantial food. So even if I'm not bringing a meal I always bring something to contribute to that. This (the spread, not the contribution) feels weird -- the family in mourning should not be forced into the role of host, I would think. Is this normal?

I've been wondering about these things for years, and just happened to remember to do something about it after a visit tonight. (Well, if sending questions out into the void counts as doing something. :-) )

Comments

[hopeness.livejournal.com]

These are just my observations from staying at the shiva house after B's mum died:

The meals were provided by friends and family. While I don't remember anyone specifically co-ordinating this, I do remember that there was some sort of "shiva committee" from the shul that provided siddurim, etc.

We provided the coffee and tea but most of the nosh was brought by others. We provided some of the cups, etc, but also some of it was gifted. For a long time we didn't need to buy any disposable stuff for gatherings, we just raided the leftovers.

One dear friend of the family came every morning to help set up "breakfast" before davening. Those of us who were there but not actually sitting shiva did the errands and clean-up, so the actual mourners didn't have to do anything.

I guess my real answer would be it probably depends on the family and the community.

[cellio]

While I don't remember anyone specifically co-ordinating this, I do remember that there was some sort of "shiva committee" from the shul that provided siddurim, etc.

Good point -- we have one of those too. Perhaps I was thrown by not seeing any (known-to-me) members there last night -- they could well have sent stuff over earlier. This group focuses more on meals (I've mentioned the freezer maintained at the synagogue for this purpose), but maybe they also order in the fruit and baked good that are usually served to guests.