shiva and food

[cellio]

Some things are not part of the formal Jewish learning process. I understand how to behave at a shiva house (house of mourning), and I've puzzeled out some of the rest by observation, but I'm curious: what typically happens with food? There are a couple facets to this (and I am blessed to not have first-hand knowledge yet).

The community generally provides meals for the family so they don't have to cook during that week. Sometimes there seems to be someone coordinating ("can you do Thursday?"), but either this is usually not the case or those people rarely call me. Assuming no one has yet emerged in this role, the behavior I've learned is to show up with something that can be reheated (and is freezer-safe) and hand it to whoever seems to be in charge. Correct?

(When there is someone in the coordinator role, how does that come about? Does the family ask someone? Does someone volunteer to the family? Does someone step up but work through the community or synagogue?)

The other facet is refreshments. This might be a function of the liberal Jewish community (the only one in which I've attended shiva minyanim), but it is almost always the case that the family has put out a spread -- cookies, cakes, fruit, and sometimes more-substantial food. So even if I'm not bringing a meal I always bring something to contribute to that. This (the spread, not the contribution) feels weird -- the family in mourning should not be forced into the role of host, I would think. Is this normal?

I've been wondering about these things for years, and just happened to remember to do something about it after a visit tonight. (Well, if sending questions out into the void counts as doing something. :-) )

Comments

[magid.livejournal.com]

In the communities I'm familiar with (Cambridge), there's a chessed committee, the chair of which either is or appoints a point person for shiva food (also new parents, but that's not germane). The point person may ask friends for food to be brought, or email the minyan list asking for volunteers. I also don't expect there to be nosh around for davening, though possibly (informally) for people making shiva calls.

As Hopeness notes, depends on the family and the community.

[530nm330hz.livejournal.com]

That's pretty much how it works in Newton, too, except that there's usually Entenmann's and OJ put out after Shacharit.

[cellio]

Thanks. We have such a committee too (I'd forgotten), which maintains a freezer and occasionally makes targetted calls. (For example, I was once asked to help out specifically because of my kashrut level; both I and the recipient keep a higher level than the norm for the congregation.)

[gnomi.livejournal.com]

Very similar at Kadimah-Toras Moshe (our shul).

When mabfan was sitting shiva, I put bagels out for people for after Shacharit because we had multiple dozens of bagels by day two of the shiva and I knew we wouldn't be eating them all. And I put out occasional pastries and stuff if people brought it, but that was mostly so we wouldn't waste food, not because I felt I should be playing hostess.