shiva and food

[cellio]

Some things are not part of the formal Jewish learning process. I understand how to behave at a shiva house (house of mourning), and I've puzzeled out some of the rest by observation, but I'm curious: what typically happens with food? There are a couple facets to this (and I am blessed to not have first-hand knowledge yet).

The community generally provides meals for the family so they don't have to cook during that week. Sometimes there seems to be someone coordinating ("can you do Thursday?"), but either this is usually not the case or those people rarely call me. Assuming no one has yet emerged in this role, the behavior I've learned is to show up with something that can be reheated (and is freezer-safe) and hand it to whoever seems to be in charge. Correct?

(When there is someone in the coordinator role, how does that come about? Does the family ask someone? Does someone volunteer to the family? Does someone step up but work through the community or synagogue?)

The other facet is refreshments. This might be a function of the liberal Jewish community (the only one in which I've attended shiva minyanim), but it is almost always the case that the family has put out a spread -- cookies, cakes, fruit, and sometimes more-substantial food. So even if I'm not bringing a meal I always bring something to contribute to that. This (the spread, not the contribution) feels weird -- the family in mourning should not be forced into the role of host, I would think. Is this normal?

I've been wondering about these things for years, and just happened to remember to do something about it after a visit tonight. (Well, if sending questions out into the void counts as doing something. :-) )

Comments

[woodwindy.livejournal.com]

My friends/family/larger community are generally either Reform or "culturally" Jewish, so my experience may well differ from yours... but generally what I've seen is that a family member will make sure there's at least a sandwich tray or something like that, and then other people bring or send food as they see fit.

When my grandmother died, IIRC my mother had a caterer come in for the first night of shiva; after that there was just always food other people had ordered for us.

I may be completely full of it, but I always assumed that at least one rationale for the shiva spreads was giving the bereaved something to distract them and refocus them on the living -- that the act of nurturing guests and loved ones is healing in and of itself.

(As an aside -- I don't know if anyone has warned you, but it's a big taboo to take food home with you from a shiva, even if there are more leftovers than the family could or would possibly want. Just so you know...)

[zevabe.livejournal.com]

After I spent the summer in a kollel of sort learning aveilut (laws of mourning) I saw my mother-in-law-to-be. She mentioned that one is not allowed to do anything with leftover shiva food other than donate to soup kitchen type places. I had distinctly not learned that, but apparently that is Conservative custom, so ok.

What I did learn in kollel: The first meal on the day of burial the mourners may not eat their own food, unless their neighbors are so stingy that they do not provide food (for which rabbis cursed the neighbors). THere are two opinions as to why this is done. One is that mourners would have survivor's guilt & also want to die, and choose starvation as a method. The other is that they would wish tobury their troubles in liquor and gluttony. After that the mourner may eat his/her own food, and may cook if s/he wants, but consolers are encouraged to provide food or the service of cooking.

[cellio]

First meal: interesting; thanks for teaching me that.

[cellio]

Thanks. I don't think it ever would have occurred to me to take food home from a shiva (unless I was an immediate family member who didn't live at the shiva house), but I have seen people do that at the gatherings after non-Jewish funerals, so it's a good warning. (That feels tacky to me and I've never done it, but I've seen it.)