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shiva and food
Some things are not part of the formal Jewish learning process. I understand how to behave at a shiva house (house of mourning), and I've puzzeled out some of the rest by observation, but I'm curious: what typically happens with food? There are a couple facets to this (and I am blessed to not have first-hand knowledge yet).
The community generally provides meals for the family so they don't have to cook during that week. Sometimes there seems to be someone coordinating ("can you do Thursday?"), but either this is usually not the case or those people rarely call me. Assuming no one has yet emerged in this role, the behavior I've learned is to show up with something that can be reheated (and is freezer-safe) and hand it to whoever seems to be in charge. Correct?
(When there is someone in the coordinator role, how does that come about? Does the family ask someone? Does someone volunteer to the family? Does someone step up but work through the community or synagogue?)
The other facet is refreshments. This might be a function of the liberal Jewish community (the only one in which I've attended shiva minyanim), but it is almost always the case that the family has put out a spread -- cookies, cakes, fruit, and sometimes more-substantial food. So even if I'm not bringing a meal I always bring something to contribute to that. This (the spread, not the contribution) feels weird -- the family in mourning should not be forced into the role of host, I would think. Is this normal?
I've been wondering about these things for years, and just happened to remember to do something about it after a visit tonight. (Well, if sending questions out into the void counts as doing something. :-) )
The community generally provides meals for the family so they don't have to cook during that week. Sometimes there seems to be someone coordinating ("can you do Thursday?"), but either this is usually not the case or those people rarely call me. Assuming no one has yet emerged in this role, the behavior I've learned is to show up with something that can be reheated (and is freezer-safe) and hand it to whoever seems to be in charge. Correct?
(When there is someone in the coordinator role, how does that come about? Does the family ask someone? Does someone volunteer to the family? Does someone step up but work through the community or synagogue?)
The other facet is refreshments. This might be a function of the liberal Jewish community (the only one in which I've attended shiva minyanim), but it is almost always the case that the family has put out a spread -- cookies, cakes, fruit, and sometimes more-substantial food. So even if I'm not bringing a meal I always bring something to contribute to that. This (the spread, not the contribution) feels weird -- the family in mourning should not be forced into the role of host, I would think. Is this normal?
I've been wondering about these things for years, and just happened to remember to do something about it after a visit tonight. (Well, if sending questions out into the void counts as doing something. :-) )
no subject
Generally my orthodox experience is that the first meal after the interrment is provided by the rabbi (in my congregation) usually egg and round roll (symbols of the full circle of life).
At the minyans that I have been to including my grandmother's food is generally organised by the broader family, if indeed there is food. The last minyan I went to was of a very religious man. There was no food for participants or the minyan. The mourners were served separately by the wider family.
Another that I have been to, the wider family did nothing and I made sure that I brought enough for the mourners - very close family friends. That tends to be the norm here. It is I guess simply understood, and provided that the usual kashrut of the family is observed that there is no issue bringing food or drink. Also spirits and soft drink tend to be the available beverages.
no subject
Serving food to the attendees seems to have the effect of turning the shiva into a sort of party -- mostly you stand there with your cake and wine, or whatever, and talk to the other guests, because the mourners can only talk to so many people at once, and odds are you didn't know the deceased and therefore don't have stories to share. (This last might not be typical in tighter-knit communities, of course.) I don't know whether this cheers up the mourners or feels like an imposition to them.