probably over-thinking it

[cellio]

This morning I dropped Orlando off at the vet for a test. While I was waiting for paperwork, I noticed the only other client there, an elderly woman who was dropping off a dog. I watched her pay a $300+ deposit in cash (all in tens), and then heard her ask if there was a nearby coffee shop where she could wait -- one within walking distance, as she can't drive any more and had taken the bus there. The person who was helping her indicated a plaza about half a mile down the road, and the woman asked if there was a bus stop there. (There is one in front of the vet's office.)

I told her I was going that way and would be happy to drop her off if she wanted. (She'd have to find her own way back later.) She accepted. This was no imposition on me; I was driving right past there. But she made a big fuss, and as she got out of the car she pushed a $10 bill on the dash and refused my rather insistent pleas to keep it. I was somewhat horrified. Appearances can be deceiving, but I judged that she needed it way more than I do. And anyway, $10 for a half-mile ride and a little conversation? I considered it likely that she didn't have a $1 or $5 bill and so reached for what she had.

This led to a dilemma and an interesting discussion in the Mi Yodeya chat room. I was certainly not going to keep the money. The default answer is to give it to charity, but I wondered if there were some way I could return it to her without causing problems. I considered asking the vet to "discover" an "error" in her bill for me, but it was pointed out that I'd essentially be stealing her mitzvah (she presumably thought she was doing one), a position I hadn't considered. I also wondered whether she would put two and two (or ten and ten) together, figure out what had happened, and be offended (causing offense would be bad). I would make the connection, I'm pretty sure, but apparently I am not normal. :-) (I don't think I'd be offended, though.)

I considered asking the vet to find a larger "error" in her bill so I could help her anonymously. But in the end I decided that this kind of sneakiness isn't appropriate. So when I picked Orlando up after work, I dropped the $10 bill into the donation jar for an animal-welfare organization. It seemed fitting.

Comments

[evil-baron.livejournal.com]

Is re-gifting a gift like this wrong, rabbi?

[cellio]

Re-gifting per se isn't wrong -- and, in fact, I've seen recommendations to do so when you can't use the item, such as if someone gives you non-kosher food. I've done that. Re-gifting if the original giver will find out is more nuanced, and how he would react is part of it. At one end of the spectrum there's the meat/cheese basket the boss gives to all the employees; if he finds out that you can't eat those items and gave them away, he's unlikely to mind. At the other end of the spectrum, if your dear relative gives you a painting he made himself, he better not find it hanging in someone else's house.

In this case there was an additional concern: I thought the gift posed a hardship for the giver. That's where the "can I return this if she already said no?" thread came in.

[osewalrus.livejournal.com]

It seems to me your reasoning is correct and this is the right approach. If the person is insistent on giving you the money, then it is not good thing to sneakily return it.

[starmalachite.livejournal.com]

An elegant solution.

[fauxklore]

Sounds to me like an excellent solution. I like to think I'd have done similarly were I in such a situation.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

Well and wisely done! *takes notes*

[jon ericson (from livejournal.com)]

Assuming she did need the money more than you, I think you did her a greater service than you realize. Most people have a strong desire to be helpful and to bless others. Our other desires (to feel comfortable, safe, important, etc.) can overwhelm our helpfulness instinct at times, but it's always there. That's why when a disaster occurs and the Red Cross's donation information scrolls on the bottom of the screen, people reach for their phones and start giving even if they are misers at other times.

I've met people—especially older people who get great joy out of giving, but normally can't because they are on a fixed income. When they do come into some money, they are excited to give it away. (This is a trait that, unfortunately, leaves people open to victimization.) Since you were a pleasant person who helped her out of a jam, it made her happy to give you something that could make you happy.

Giving the cash to a charity seems like it was the right thing to do. But even if you'd bought a cup of coffee for yourself and a friend or picked up a book you've been wanting to read, I think you would have honored her gift. All of your other schemes seem dishonoring and, if you will excuse my saying, prideful.

Thanks for pointing me to the story (and the blog)!

[cellio]

Thank you. I think you're right that her need to do something for me is a significant factor that I wasn't giving appropriate weight to. Perhaps we tend to be more generous when it's a spontaneous, "in the moment" situation like this or a disaster or a needy person on the street.