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entitlement or obliviousness?
But every time something like the to'evah (abomination -- and yes, I understand the strength of that word) of this past Friday's service happens, a tiny little voice speaks up in the back of my mind saying "you know, this could be a lot easier on you...". It's frustrating. If it weren't for the excellent relationships I've formed in my congregation, including both of our rabbis, I sometimes wonder...
So, this Shabbat the Reform movement celebrated its sisterhood's 100th anniversary (movement-wide, not just us). Cool -- sisterhood has never, ever spoken to me (and in fact I believe its existence violates a core principle of Reform theology, but that's a different post), but I can understand the desire to celebrate that milestone and all their accomplishments, honor their leaders, and so on. The international president of the sisterhood umbrella organization happens to be a member of my congregation, so clearly we were going to do something. So Friday's service was led by sisterhood leaders from a siddur produced by a committee of that umbrella organization.
They wrote a "creative" service. Cue ominous music here.
So what we got was an evening service that ran almost two hours (!) and still managed to omit half the amidah and all the brachot around the sh'ma except one (there was a song for hashkiveinu). Also all of kabbalat shabbat except L'cha Dodi, but we never get a complete kabbalat shabbat unless I'm running it, so that's noteworthy in degree but not in type (we usually do more than this, though not all). Are they kidding me? Who thought this was ok? Rabbis and cantors on the committee, apparently, so part of me is glad I don't know their identities as my opinion of them has just gone way down. (My rabbi tried to salvage some of the omissions during the service; I don't know if he had had a chance to vet this service beforehand or if he had trusted his colleagues.)
What did they fill all that time with? Lots of poetry, lots of "women are great" readings, lots of sisterhood self-congratulations, half a dozen "how sisterhood changed my life" testimonials incorrectly labeled as a d'var torah in the program... all sorts of stuff that would be more appropriate at a celebratory dinner than at a Shabbat service. Shabbat, and God, got short shrift -- at a Shabbat service.
(There was also a short torah service (we do that on Friday nights about half the time), with group aliyot. The last one of the three was for anyone who belongs to sisterhood; I didn't go up because they said "belongs", not "pays dues to"; I've never felt I belonged but as a board member I'm required to be a member on paper.)
When I got there and saw the service booklet I considered turning around and leaving. In retrospect I should have, perhaps visibly. Instead I ignored their service at times and picked up our regular siddur instead so I could have a valid Shabbat service. (My rabbi noticed.) But after the mourner's kaddish I saw that there were still a couple more pages of readings and stuff, plus they were going to teach a new closing song, and at that point I just said dayeinu and left. Ugh.
If they had wanted to have a special additional service that would be one thing. But this displaced the regular community service. In that regard it was even worse than a typical Reform bar mitzvah, and I hadn't realized that was possible. It is possible to honor people while preserving community norms, but that isn't a strong-enough guiding principle in the Reform movement. I alternate between being sad and saying "how dare they?".
When I got home I set aside what I had been planning to talk about in Saturday morning's d'var torah (it was my turn) and mentally assembled something else instead. That'll be forthcoming, but in case you wonder when you see it, yes there's a connection.
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Masorti Judaism would welcome you, too, by the way.
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Second, unless there is a women's OU service, there would be no room for you in Orthodoxy, you are far too autonomous and feminist in your thinking.
(edit: in my experience)
Next, I wonder something.
In Orthodoxy there are certain prayers required to be said in order to make a service Kosher.
With that in mind, I wonder if there is a sense of the *privilege* it is to be able to say a prayer in a group context. The reason (as I understand it) for minyan is to strengthen community by requiring a quorum to in order to emphasise those prayers' value to the group, that there are certain things one cannot do alone, or even as a small family unit.
Is it perhaps a possible topic for Rabbinical sermon? The suggestion that Reform's value is, among all of the other purposes and values, the thought that these prayers with quorum caveats may be stated, shared, and offered by all affirmed autonomous people with purpose, to the betterment of community. (ie. no "men only" restrictions)
Is there a list of "these prayers are utterly required to be offered at all services performed by this congregation?" Could this be a checklist to be handed out to all subgroups giving a special service?
I know a number of people who, when trapped in a circumstance like you were, go in back, say their prayers discreetly, and slip out.
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I tend to avoid special services if I at all can. Even in a Masorti context, such things can go off the rails.
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I am so glad that you are still with the Reform movement; we need people like you who believe in doing things properly and helping people find beauty and meaning in that experience.
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With some tweaking, it doesn't seem like it would be hard to put God back in, either? They must have at least some stories and programs on the theme of "How Sisterhood helped me/somebody connect to God/The Torah/practicing Judaism" which would be more appropriate. Then they can have their dinner for self-congratulating.
I am slightly confused by there being "required" parts of a service, actually. My dim memory of one of your explanations of a Reform principle was personal choice in whether to accept/adapt/discard any traditional practice or commandment. (Of course in group context it gets screwy--in this case their decision to toss out things interfered with your decision to keep them.)
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(More later.)