the shofar call

[cellio]

The eerie, plaintive voice of the shofar is a wake-up call, one that for me is muddled when in my congregation we have groups of people (mostly children) blow in what turns into a competition for who can hold t'kiah g'dolah the longest. People smile and chuckle and lose the meaning in it. This year, by some quirk of fate, every service I attended in Elul and for Rosh Hashana had but one shofar blower.

On Rosh Hashana morning I closed my eyes during t'kiah g'dolah, listening to the faint cry grow louder, stronger, more earnest with each passing moment. I imagined myself at the foot of Har Sinai, hearing but not seeing the divine shofar blast, taking in but not understanding the thunder and smoke as God prepared to speak. At Har Sinai and in services in my congregation both, I was in the presence of the awesome, fearsome God who could, in an instant, judge me for death or for life. Reflecting on my failings of the last year (and longer), I knew I had not truly earned the outcome I prayed for, but that somehow God might accept my teshuva anyway if I do it and mean it.

"Arise, you slumberers, from your slumber", the Rambam proclaims, "you are wasting your years in vain pursuits that neither profit nor save". I've read those words in our machzor every year, but this year they jumped out at me and then followed me home for more examination. The Rambam isn't talking about the relaxation and fun we all need in our lives, I don't think; he's talking about the pursuits that we put real effort into without gain.

Like a certain online community I've helped build over the last two years, only to see it go in a damaging direction while its custodians look on and do nothing. Perhaps I should have known that any "neutral" religion-related community would eventually be dominated by evangelical Christians who do not see their own bias. I've been trying to set the community back on its original course of respectful dialogue, but now I realize my efforts are ineffective. I could keep trying, but this year's lone shofar called me to re-evaluate this vain pursuit that neither profits nor saves. There are others who need my attention more, chief among them my own neshama, my own soul/spirit.

The Unetaneh Tokef prayer tells us that on Rosh Hashana it is written and on Yom Kippur it is sealed, who shall live and who shall die, ...who shall be troubled and who shall be tranquil. Last year it seems I was decreed to be among the troubled; this year may I merit to be among the tranquil.

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Related thoughts, and a discussion of site direction. And yes, this was the subject of my "sunk costs" post back in March; obviously I didn't manage to stay gone after I left.

Comments

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

This resonates with me. I'm sorry this was done to your community, and I hear you.

[magid.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you got the shofar blasts you wanted; it makes such a difference.

And for me, it's interesting to see which phrases of the liturgy pop each year; it shows me where I've been sometimes more clearly than I let myself think about more straighforwardly.

[sanpaku.livejournal.com]

This is kind of out of left field, but: from what I can tell of the site, you are engaged in a form of interfaith dialogue - even if that's not what you originally thought you were getting into when you got involved. As someone who has literally written a dissertation on dialogue, it's kind of striking that what you're describing is pretty much what's always always happened, historically. To put it crudely, Christians show up and are interested because they are interested in Jews, and Jews initially respond in a friendly way, but over time some element of acrimony just has to enter into the thing because the conscious or unconscious proselytization is just too much, and Jews disengage. This seems almost intrinsic in the thing. (Someday someone might write a dissertation about you!)

It must be incredibly frustrating to see this happen to something you worked hard on, but I hope it's of some comfort that people appreciated your efforts and learned a thing or two... at least for a while. Shana tovah umetukah.

[chaos-wrangler.livejournal.com]

As I wrote back in March, "much sympathy". I wasn't sure what else to say, and then I read a friend's post in another forum, with the subject of "t'shuva" being related to "shuv"/"return": I don't want to start this year by "returning" or going back. I want this year to be a further exploration of who and what I am, and I'm looking forward to it.

I think this may be one of my goals this year, to look back and figure out what needs to return to a previous state and what needs to change to something new.