demands vs requests

I've been noticing more cases lately of what I consider rude demands for entitlements, and I really wonder what makes these people tick.

This morning's paper contained a column by a mother bemoaning the "fact" that society is child- and family-hostile. She complained that the post office and grocery store don't have drive-through services (because dealing with car-seat hassles when all you want is a quart of milk is a pain), that restaurants don't have child-sized urinals and low sinks, and much more. In a lot of ways it reminded me of a couple local SCA folks who claim that the group is family-hostile because we hold business meetings at 8pm on school nights and don't provide a full complement of toys and games. But it's not just parents doing this; I've encountered the same attitude from some people who are handicapped or disadvantaged in various ways.

Note: I'm not saying that all or even most members of any particular group behave this way. Just some.

This makes me wonder, though. Do these people honestly believe that the people around them will respond favorably to whining and (sometimes) bullying? The author of that article could have done something positive -- by, say, telling us about how she worked with her local grocery store to arrange for a delivery service, or how she helped a local restaurant improve its restrooms, or the like. The parents complaining about the SCA business meetings could bring some toys and games instead of complaining that non-parents don't. The congregant with limited hearing could work with the ushers to arrange for reserved seats near the front of the room. These are all things that not only address the direct problem but also help others and send a positive message. They say "I would like help with this problem and I'm willing to do some work myself". They involve honey, not vinegar.

Why don't more people try this? Why do so many jump immediately to the conclusion that society is out to get them and they have to fight back? This hostility can't be benefitting the people who exude it, so why does it not seem to occur to people to try the friendly solution first? Why assume that people are against you, rather than that they never thought about your special needs because they don't share them and no one ever asked?

And, y'know, sometimes you just have to take some defensive or precautionary measures anyway. I have a vision problem. I am almost never without a pocket magnifying glass, which I use several times per week. When I go to a fast-food restaurant with the menu posted behind the serving area (fortunately, this rarely happens any more), I know going in that I'm not going to be able to read the menu, so either I ask a companion to help me out or I try "generic ordering" ("do you have a fish sandwich?" etc). When taking trips I try to arrange to not be the driver, especially at night, even if this inconveniences me in other ways (e.g. leaving earlier than I would have). When these coping mechanisms aren't enough I'm not afraid to ask for help, but I don't conclude that society is hostile to those without perfect vision.

(Well, that sounded kind of holier-than-thou, didn't it? It wasn't meant to.)

I know lots of people who take positive approaches to their limitations -- whether "personal", like I do, or more "active", like those who strive to educate the public about special needs. (Locally, for example, I know that a lot of restaurants had functional non-smoking sections way before we had laws about that, and a decent number of public buildings were wheelchair-accessible pre-ADA.) I think most of us want to do the right thing, whether it's designing a bathroom or arranging seating at a meeting or whatever, but we don't always know, or stop to think, about all of the issues. That's natural, and rather than whining or declaring hostility where none exists, it would seem more productive to try to raise awareness gently. Even if you're not willing to actually do any work, there are better and worse ways to make people aware of the issues, and people like Miss You-Owe-Me-Drive-Through-Groceries are not using the better ways.

Shabbat services

I'm pleased with how Shabbat services went this week.

Friday night the worship committee led services. This involved a small herd of volunteers, with its attendant logistics hassles, but overall things went well. Notes for next time: (1) teach people how to use microphones effectively, (2) teach people about voice projection, and (3) make sure notations to stand up or sit down are written into leaders' copies of the service.

Our congregation reads one aliya's worth of the Torah portion on Friday nights. (This year we're doing the first aliya. After Simchat Torah we'll switch to the second, and then the third the following year, and so on for the seven-year cycle. Yes, there's a method to it. :-) ) This week's double portion was on the long side (28 verses total), so we had three readers. I got the long chunk, at 12 verses, though I wasn't trying to do that. The other two read; I chanted. I like chanting, and chanting rather than reading actually helps me with memorization and phrasing even if it takes longer to learn in the first place.

All of the torah readers did a great job. I had my part nailed, and I received many compliments -- including one person who told me I was giving the cantor a run for her money, another one who said I should just go to rabbinical school already, and a third who assumed I was a native speaker of Hebrew. Wow!

There were some logistics challenges, mostly due to the fact that not all of the participants are as familiar with the service as I am. The down-side of having an inclusive service where you call for volunteers is that you sometimes get people who aren't regulars and don't know, if not told, to tell people to rise for such-and-such prayer or whatever. Given the reality that many people who would like to participate are not going to start coming every week, I'd like to find some way to improve the overall level of knowledge among people likely to do this in the future (like members of my committee). Gotta figure out how to do that.

The rabbis will both be away next week too, so the cantorial intern and I had discussed just doing the service ourselves. (I didn't want to have a large logistics challenge two weeks in a row.) She said something about getting volunteers for next week within the hearing of many of last night's participants, though, so I have to change that plan slightly. One person (who is also quite knowledgable) asked to help, so my current plan is to have just the three of us do it and tell anyone else who contacts me that it's all taken care of. (Well, four of us; we have a guest Torah reader.)

I ended up leading this morning's service, because the person I had asked got stuck out of town and couldn't make it. All of last night's Torah readers are part of the morning minyan, so we repeated the Torah reading. (This is why I chose those particular people; I knew we'd need Torah readers twice, so why not get double use out of the learning effort?) This morning I tripped over the reading in a couple places, but there was nothing catastrophic. Aya helped lead parts of the service that I'm a little weak on, which was handy. I got lots of compliments this morning, too. There was one problem I'm not sure how to solve, though: the rabbi plays guitar for this service but I don't, so he's got an easy way to keep people together while singing, signal beginnings and ends of songs, and so on. I had some problems with this, but didn't want to start waving my hands like a choir director. Hmm.

All in all, I'm very happy with both services and I'm looking forward to doing more of next Friday's service. I have to write a sermon, which I'm not as excited about, but it'll be ok. (The rabbi asked me specifically to talk about Tisha b'Av. Hmm.)