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my path to Judaism
I'm what my rabbi calls a "seeker". I wasn't a religious person and wasn't sure God even existed; I was sure that the answer to that question wouldn't affect my life in any way. Then I got sent a wake-up call.
I had learned bits and pieces about Judaism here and there, from friends in college and stuff like that (never met a Jew until I got to college), and I'm one of those people who enjoys learning. I never noticed that anything was resonating, though. Then for several years I dated a (non-observant) Jew, and that exposed me to a little more. I went with him to his family for seders (the only Jewish stuff he did), and that was quite a learning opportunity. He wasn't particularly interested in answering my questions, but other members of his family did and I would go off and try to learn on my own. I was still very much an outsider, though; I didn't think I was being drawn to this. Even when the relationship was obviously serious, no one in his family asked me about converting and I never thought about it myself. (And the answer would have been "no" because I didn't believe in the fundamental principles.)
We broke up a couple years ago, and the following Pesach I realized, the night before the first seder, that I was upset that I was missing this. At first I thought it was that I was nostalgic for his family, but that wasn't it at all: the content of the seder, and not that particular seder, was what mattered. I agonized over this; it was important, yet surely I couldn't have called friends the night before the seder asking for an invitation when I wasn't even Jewish. (They later found out what happened and told me in no uncertain terms that I was wrong about that.) I schmoozed my way into a local community seder (reservation deadline had passed; I showed up and waited for a no-show I could buy), realized that this *was* speaking to me somehow, and went home *very* confused.
I spent the Omer doing a lot of reading about Judaism, and doing a lot of soul-searching, and spent a lot of time talking (via email) with a Jewish friend (in another city) who was able to help me sort through what was happening. Found some great resources on the web, too, like Ohr Somayach and Aish HaTorah and Project Genesis. Mind, at this point I didn't think I was in the process of converting; I was trying to figure out what was happening to me and why God, if He existed, would care about *me*, among the 6 billion people on this planet, when I had rejected Him years ago. (I was raised Roman Catholic. I knew from an early age that *that* was wrong.)
Being an engineering type, I eventually decided to *hypothesize* the existence of God, pray as sincerely as I could, and see what happened. And, um, I saw effects. I started some really basic observance, which I'm sure I did really badly but nonetheless "with all my heart", and the more I did the more "right" I knew this was. I started to pray daily (in English, plus the Shema) and asked for guidance. (It took me several more weeks to work up the nerve to walk into the local Judaica shop and buy a siddur. On reflection, it does seem a little odd that I was more worried about approaching Pinsker's and rabbis than I was about approaching God!)
I wasn't ready to venture out into the Jewish community yet, but I'd heard about this really neat Shavuot tradition (tikkun leil shavuot), decided that all-night Torah study (on a weekend, so I wouldn't even have to take vacation to do it!) was too good an opportunity to miss, and set about finding one. I figured that it wouldn't be proper for me to just show up at something like that as my first contact with the communtiy, so I'd better start going to Shabbat services or something. My first experiences there were pretty confusing and discouraging (even though I'd read about the structure of the service and had some clues about what to expect); I also wasn't having any luck finding a tikkun by calling places and asking. I didn't call any Orthodox synagogues because I thought women wouldn't be accepted at something like that. (The non-O congregations were mostly having short programs -- 2-3 hours. I wanted the full night.) In desperation, I posted to a local newsgroup.
A former co-worker responded, invited me to his (Orthodox) synagogue for Shabbat services and to his house for lunch afterwards, and said it would be fine for me to go to his congregation's tikkun. I'll admit that I didn't understand a lot of what was happening, but it was a wonderful experience anyway and during the breaks I got to talk with some of the other people there. (Interestingly, only the women, and the rabbi, would talk to me. My friend didn't go to the tikkun, so I was on my own.)
I actually went to two tikkunim that year; a local Reform congregation was having one for a couple hours (ending before the other started), so I figured "why not?" and went to both. (*Very* different.) The Reform tikkun was very interactive (unlike the other), and I found that when talking about revelation I was starting to use the word "we". (I'd always felt uncomfortable saying "we" at seders, because they *didn't* mean *me*, so it was kind of a shock when I saw myself doing it without question this time.) I decided that meant it was past time for me to talk to a rabbi (or several).
I went into this expecting to end up Conservative. I met with a C rabbi, and started going to his shul for weekday shacharit once a week. (On Thursdays he teaches over breakfast after the service, so I thought that sounded like a good idea. I could do this on my way to work so long as I didn't do it every day. I still do this, by the way -- great group of people.) For Shabbat, I was picking a different shul each week to "sample" the local community, and I visited O, C, R, and reconstructionist (multiples of each of the first three).
Even though I expected to end up C, I also met with an O rabbi (not the one from the tikkun -- a different congregation that I later visited and liked better) and an R rabbi (from that tikkun). I learned a lot about what the various movements were about, some of which were *not* what I had gone in believing. Still, neither of the other two rabbis I talked with clicked completely for me; the C rabbi seemed the closest fit.
I was on the verge of signing up with the C rabbi when someone suggested that I visit a particular R congregation. (They seem to be the most C-like of the R congregations locally, BTW.) I went to a service there and was amazed by both the rabbi and the congregation. I went back for more and the feeling stuck. I made an appointment with the rabbi, we talked about the issues that made me twitch at R, and he pointed out that the difference between R and O is theology/philosophy, not observance, and I needed to make my decision based on theology. (Almost every rabbi I talked with told me that, actually, but it took me a while to believe them.) BTW, this rabbi was the most observant R Jew I'd met thus far -- might still be, actually. It took me another six months or so to really figure this out, but I know now that he's right about it not being about observance. My *theology* is not Orthodox, and that's why I don't really belong there. Which I have trouble explaining to other people; some of the locals are surprised that I'm R because of my level of observance. Anyway, when all was said and done I knew that this rabbi and this congregation were right for me. I had arguments with myself about the Reform affiliation; I thought this must be a mistake. But the rabbi and the congregation contined to click with me, and I felt like I was being nudged in this direction, so I followed the hints and went there.
I met frequently with the rabbi, and attended the local intro-to-judaism course (weekly for 6 months), and took Hebrew classes, and did various assignments for my rabbi. After just a couple meetings he apparently decided that I was an advanced student and started treating me accordingly, which was great. I'd already done a bunch of basic -- and some not-so-basic -- reading before ever approaching a rabbi (not that reading is a necessarily a substitute for interactive learning). So while with other students he was talking about things like what the holidays were about and the laws of kashrut and stuff like that, *we* were discussing things like Rambam's theology and Hirsch's interpretations of the mitzvot (_Horeb_ is fantastic, IMO) and marit ayin and whether Pharaoh could be held accountable if God hardened his heart and was that the action of a just god, and stuff like that. I miss these meetings now that I've gone before the beit din, though I'm hoping to have at least occasional ones anyway to supplement the regular congregational stuff that my rabbi does. Learning is a lifelong process, after all!
BTW, during all of this I did -- and still do -- explore pretty widely, and my rabbi knows this. I'm not limiting myself to learning from one source. I have a primary teacher, but he's not the sole teacher. And some of my most significant insights have come after "outside" experiences like spending a Shabbat with an O family. (If someone had told me in advance that I was going to hop on a plane to spend a weekend with a family I barely knew, for the sake of the O experience, I would have laughed.)
Oh, and one interesting development: two weeks before my beit din, the ex-boyfriend came to me and said "could we try this again?". I pointed out that in addition to the old issues we would have to solve, we now had a new one: I'm Jewish now, and that has serious implications for him if we get back together. (He's kind of befuddled by this, but he won't interfere with my observance.) We've talked a lot and sorted things out, so we're going to get married next spring.
Translations for gentile friends: O = Orthodox, C = Conservative, R = Reform -- three main movements in Judaism. A "tikkun leil Shavuot" is the traditional all-night Torah study on the night of Shavuot, the holiday that commemorates the revelation at Mount Sinai. Pesach = Passover. Omer = the period from Pesach to Shavuot (50 days later). The Shema is a key prayer and probably the first Hebrew that most kids learn. The beit din is the panel of three rabbis that rules on conversions; conversion is *not* automatic.